America's Dumbest Criminals Read Online Free PDF

warning.”
    It was very late. Martin was bored and just a little punchy, so he decided to have some fun. “I’ll tell you what I’ll do,” he said. “If you can give me an excuse I haven’t heard before, I won’t write you this ticket.”
    The speedster didn’t hesitate. “I left home about five o’clock this afternoon, and I told my wife, ‘Honey, I won’t be gone long.’ Well, I got down to Mount Bayou, and we got to gambling, and I lost most of my money, so I had to stay until I could win some of it back.”
    Martin just nodded, pen in hand.
    â€œThen my wife called,” the speeder continued. “She said, ‘There’s going to be a whole lot of lovin’ going on in this house in fifteen minutes, and if you want to be in on it, you had better be here.’ That was fourteen minutes ago, and I’m trying my best to get there.”
    â€œThe man wasn’t joking,” Martin remembers. “And I had to admit I never heard that one before. I let him go. What happened after that is anybody’s guess.”

22
    Look Out! He’s Got a Turtle and He Knows How to Use It!
    I t was a classic case of love gone wrong in Indiana. Boy meets girl. Boy falls in love. Girl doesn’t.
    In this case, she really did try to let him down easy, but he was distraught. He was fuming as he barreled out of her kitchen door and into the night.
    The brokenhearted Romeo staggered through the fields in the throes of lover’s angst. Then he saw his weapon, seized it, and started back to his girlfriend’s house.
    In a rage, Romeo returned and chased his ex-girlfriend around the kitchen with a large snapping turtle. He was much faster than Juliet and he easily caught her in the small kitchen, but he couldn’t get the turtle to bite her. Finally, Juliet managed to call the police. The officers arrived, disarmed (deturtled?) the irate lover, and arrested him for assault with a reptile.

    He was much faster than Juliet and he easily caught her in the small kitchen, but he couldn’t get the turtle to bite her.
    The incident marked the definite end of one relationship, but the beginning of another. Juliet thought the big turtle was cute, and she was ever so grateful that he hadn’t bitten her. The girl and the turtle are still together and living happily in Pennsylvania, according to the policeman who retold the story.

23
    Luck of the Draw
    W ith Oregon State Lottery ticket in hand, Alice Krumm stood staring at the winning numbers posted on the cash register. So close . . . but not quite. The ticket she had just bought was only one digit away from the twenty-dollar winning number. For once in her life, Alice wanted to be a winner instead of a near-miss.
    Alice struggled with her greed for a long minute before finally giving in. Creeping around behind the baked beans and canned goods, she altered her lottery ticket with a ballpoint pen to win the twenty dollars, then returned to the counter to collect her ill-gotten prize.
    But she should have worked a little harder on her forgery. The clerk spotted it immediately and called the police. The dishonest lottery player was arrested on the spot and charged with fraud.
    Then the arresting officer made an interesting discovery. He found the real number under her bad forgery. His revelation made her feel even dumber.
    Had she looked farther up the chart of winning numbers, she would have discovered that her original ticket number had also been a winner—for five thousand dollars!

24
    Pulling the Rug Out
    I n Peoria, Illinois, police were called to the scene of a home burglary. The perplexed homeowners reported that the house had indeed been burglarized, but that none of the normal things were missing. The television and VCR were still there, although each had been moved a little. A stereo system, jewelry, and even some cash all could be accounted for. It turned out that only one major item was