Always (Bold as Love) Read Online Free PDF

the rough patches, but what if that's not enough? It's unbearable with Jake being gone so long.
    I'm not so sure that I can handle it for longer periods of time. I shouldn't worry about this until it happens, but I can't help it. Will I uproot and move with Jake if he gets drafted and plays with a team out of state? Will he want me to go with him? Maybe it would be best to have a clean break and start anew with someone who would be there for me every day with a normal schedule. Guilt rises within me as my thoughts turn to Conrad.
    It's about eight when there's a knock on the door. Mr. Benson wants to drop Drake off. Of course, I don't mind. We are watching Phineas and Ferb when another knock resounds. I go to the door and open it. I see my mother and everything rushes back. The hatred in her voice as she told me that no one could possibly love me. The sneer on her face as I was raped. My body trembles at the onslaught of unwanted memories.
    I'm brought to the present as she speaks.
    “You haven't changed a bit, Emily.”
    I don't give her the chance to say anything else. Terror courses through me as I shut the door and run to my room, locking myself inside. Seeing my mother causes everything in me to break down.
    You'll never be good enough.
    They are only sleeping with you because I told them too.
    You're beyond ugly.
    You're worthless. Did you really believe Conrad would stay with you? Any boyfriend you have in the future will only use you for sex.
    You haven't changed a bit, Emily...
    Oh my goodness. I haven't overcome the damage she caused. This entire time I have been in denial. Jake was simply a way to pretend I was normal. This person that I am today is the same person my mother hated. This is the same person who truly feels unworthy. Seeing her brought all those feelings back to the surface and has made me realize that I can't truly be happy if I don't deal with this.
    No wonder I have felt as if something is missing. It's clear that I keep finding ways for Jake and I to be over because deep down, I know that I'm not worthy. I'm not good enough for him. I'm not his best match as a girlfriend and that's why he wouldn't ask me to come with him. Starting with my toes, a numb sensation works it way up my body until that is all I feel. In bed, I lie, waiting for it to pass. All my “hard work” in denying that my mother and her evil deeds existed has exhausted me. Instantly, my eyes close.
     
    I awake that afternoon to the sound of my door knob turning endlessly.
    “ Emily? Open the door, honey.” Immediately, Dad knows something is wrong. I rarely lock my door.
    My lips are sealed tightly. If I speak, I'm afraid that voice will return. I can't do that. So my eyes close and I wait for my father to give up, which takes thirty minutes. The day passes by slowly. Dad tries repeatedly to get me to open my door. He evens gets Drake to persuade me. Nothing works.
    Not talking to Jake isn't as hard as I thought it would be. I can handle the not talking part. I lived in those shoes for so long, stepping back into them is easy and almost comforting with the familiarity. I leave my room later that night to sneak out and get food and water. The next day comes with my mother's voice screaming in my head over and over that I haven't changed.
    “ Hon, are you going to pick Jake up from the airport?”
    My alarm clock shows that it's ten in the morning and time to leave to pick up Jake. When I don't respond, Dad's footsteps recede. I don't want to see Jake. He will be so disappointed to discover my setback. But I can't fake it anymore. If I learned anything from my miscarriage, it is that faking only makes it worse. I just need a day or two more to figure out how I'm going to handle this. I have to deal with this. I want to be better. Really and truly better. No more faking. I'm done with that.
     
     
     

 
    8
     
    Jake
     
    Here I am, back home after two weeks away, and I’m practically alone. Mike and Drake are waiting for me