All the Hopeful Lovers Read Online Free PDF Page A

fair,’ she says, snuffling. ‘It’s not fair.’
    ‘What’s not fair?’
    She blows her nose and dabs at her eyes, turning her face away.
    ‘Sorry. I’m being stupid.’
    Now Belinda’s sure of it. One word from her and Lisa will pour out her unreciprocated love. She feels a flash of irritation. Tom never notices Lisa from one month to the next. Probably can’t even remember her name. Trots in, picks up the file of pictures she’s prepared so perfectly – it’s a highly-skilled job in its way, but everyone needs the human touch, the sense they’re appreciated – and trots out again without a word.
    ‘He can be a selfish bastard, I know,’ she says.
    ‘Do you?’ says Lisa. ‘Do you really?’
    Again that look. She wants something to happen, but she’s afraid to make it happen.
    ‘Well, he’s a man, isn’t he?’ says Belinda.
    ‘Oh, yes. He’s a man all right.’
    Please. Tom must have groped Lisa or something. It’s all a bit sad.
    ‘I suppose you know,’ Lisa says.
    ‘Know what?’
    Now for the first time Belinda feels a sudden sinking feeling in her stomach.
    What do I know?
    ‘Karen said of course you knew and it’s none of our business, but I said, what if she doesn’t? It’s not fair, us knowing and you not, it’s not right.’ The words tumbling out now, evidently they’ve been backing up in her throat, pushing at her mouth. ‘I mean, why should he be able to do as he likes? I don’t care what anyone says, it’s not fair, he shouldn’t do that to you, it’s not right.’
    Now Belinda doesn’t want to know. Maybe she’s been not wanting to know for a long time. But it’s too late. Lisa wants her to know. She wants someone to share the suffering.
    Lisa holds out her mug.
    ‘Do you have any sugar?’ she says.
    Belinda gives her the sugar bowl and a teaspoon. Lisa sweetens her tea and stirs it and sips it, and somehow during this interlude Belinda realises they have moved beyond the point at which she can pretend not to know. She has entered Lisa’s world. It’s not fair. It’s not right.
    ‘Who is it?’ she says.
    ‘One of the office staff. He thinks no one knows.’
    ‘At the hospital?’
    ‘Someone in marketing. I don’t know who she is. I’ve never even seen her. She started in September. Works in the Portakabins.’
    Someone in marketing in a Portakabin. None of it seems real to Belinda. She drinks her tea. She feels numb.
    ‘Was I wrong to tell you?’
    ‘No.’ What else can she say? Once you know, you know for ever. Lisa wants her to cry, but she can’t cry.
    Lisa says, ‘Don’t say anything to Karen, will you? She says it’s none of our business.’
    ‘No. I won’t say anything to Karen.’
    Alone again in the kitchen Belinda sits at the table looking out of the window at the bare branches of the willow by the pond. The bark is patched with yellow lichen, to make up for the lost leaves.
    High piles of clouds are moving slowly across the sky, but you never see them move, you’d swear they were fixed, static, like the curve of the Downs on the horizon. Then your attention shifts and when you look again the clouds have changed their shape.
    She feels cold. She pretended to be cold once, many years ago. Come over here, Tom. Sit by me and keep me warm. And we laughed, didn’t we, Tom?
    Don’t think about that.
    The sound of cars whining past on the Ditchling road. The hum of the freezer.
    Almost three hours before it’s time to go to the station to meet Chloe. Things to do, but they can wait. Everything can wait.
    Life on hold.

4
    On the train to London to meet her sister Diana, Laura Broad allows herself the luxury of idle thought. Somehow at home there’s always something waiting to be done. This short hour of the train journey she can give to herself.
    Except she doesn’t think of herself, she thinks of her children. Both Jack and Carrie are unhappy, and she doesn’t know why. You think when your children get big that caring for them will be