All Families Are Psychotic Read Online Free PDF Page A

'Then what is it?'
    Just as Sarah was abou t to answer, a university don in a cap and gown came to retrieve her for her speech. In a moment she was gone, and in her absence Wade needed to make his brain go quiet
    immediately. He ordered three doubl e vodka rocks and began a weeklong blackou t-drinking binge. That
    was the last time he'd seen another family member.
    The fligh t attendant took his empty beer can away for landing . Within an hour, around tw o o'clock in the afternoon , as the rain drizzled out in the parking lot, he was in his old drinking haunt, the Avalon.
    Down the bar, Wade noticed a cute blond with a whiff of a mean streak abou t her pantomiming a 1950s starlet sneaking peeks at John Wayne in her powder compact. He laughed in spite of himself, and mimed a Who me? response. She wagged a naugh ty-naugh ty finger at him through her mirror . Wade moved over to the stool beside her, whereupon she said, 'Oh my, the wolves in this city.'
    'Geez, you movie stars.'
    'You have a thing against us hard-working girls of stage and screen?' 'Excuse me for interrup ting your beauty cocktail.'
    She snapped her compact shut and turned to him, saying, Til have you kno w, I had tw o lines in a motion picture just this morning .'
    'Oh, excuse me again. What motion picture migh t this have been?'
    She placed her hands on his knees, looked him in the face and said, 'A godawf ul hunka shit for some junky American cable netw ork. Mind if I sip your scotch?'
    'Go righ t ahead.'
    She downed it. 'You live here?' 'Used to. Not any more.'
    'Where now then?' 'Las Vegas.'
    ' Mmm. Charming . So tell me . . .' 'Wade.'
    'So tell me, Wade, what are you addicted to?' 'What do you mean?'
    'You kno w what I mean.' 'Do I?'
    'You live in Las Vegas, your eyes are blood shot and I saw you diddling around with coins on the coun ter like John Q. Barfly. You don ' t shave regularly, because if you did, your skin would be tougher and you
    wouldn ' t have the' — one, tw o, three, four, she coun ted them — 'nicks on your neck. You're also in a pub in the middl e of a weekday and you're ji ttery, but your drink s aren' t really quenching the ji tters. So I'd hazard a guess you're into a thing or tw o.'
    'Pussy-pussy, don ' t be so negative. Let's focus on the good stuff, like the six million twelve-step meetings I've seen in my time.'
    'You mean, let's find the joy in your situation.' 'Yes. The joy.'
    'Are you staying at the hotel here?' 'Yeah.'
    Withou t another word they went up to Wade's room. Two hours later the blond was gone, her cell phone number penned onto the base of Wade's righ t thumb. She was a decorator. Stoked by sex, Wade felt
    strong enough to call his family. He dialed his mother and got her machine: Hi, this is Janet. I'm not in
    righ t now, so please leave a message and I'll get back to you in a ji ffy. It was her poli te voice, the one she used when speaking with checkou t clerks and the insurance man, never with the family.
    Beep
    ' Mom, Wade here. Yes, your firstborn male child. Guess what — I'm in town. Yes, that's correct, the
    stranger returns. I'll call you later tonigh t or maybe I could just stop by and say hello. And, uh, Mom — it 's not too good an idea to leave your name on a machine like that. The world 's full of creeps. See you soon. Love ya.'
    He hung up: I'm a bad son, a bad, bad son. He looked up his father's number, Drummond , Edward B.,
    apparently living a few miles away from Janet in Eagleridge, doub tless in one of that neighborhood 's gee- whiz cli ff side houses. 'Dad?'
    'Wade? Hello ! '
    'Hey, Dad.'
    'Wade, where are you — wait, you're not in troubl e, are you?'
    'No. No troubl e. I just got into town and though t I'd come visit. I'm not always on the lam.' 'Come on over. Where are you staying?'
    'In North Van. With friends.' Best keep an excuse within arm's reach. 'Come visit. I'm over in Eagleridge these days. Meet the wife.
    High way exit number tw o. It 's a no-brainer. You got the address from the