Against the Tide Read Online Free PDF Page B

the whole ocean which looks inky black under the moonlight. The tide sees my tears but continues to push forward and pull back, and as the waves lap the shore I question just when it was that my life felt so worthless. A whole mixture of emotions swirl around in my head. That girl, that poor girl, whoever she is, is in hospital because of Damien. We don’t even know if she’s going to be alright, and all because of my stupid boyfriend. This is how Damien affords to buy me expensive jewellery and exotic holidays, I’m spoiled at the cost of someone’s wellbeing. When did I become the drug dealer’s girl and leave behind my own identity, my own integrity? Sure, I have my job, which feels like it’s the last piece of me that I’m hanging on to. Who am I without him? When did we become so different? If there was a way back would I want to take it?
    Then I think of the guy. That guy. And I’m wracked with guilt. I cheated. I should never have followed him out. I should have told him to stop. But I couldn’t. I wanted him, more than I can explain, more than I can understand. I never realised I had lost all respect for Damien as well as myself. But the simplicity of it is that I would never have done it if I was happy. I haven’t been truly happy in a long time, but I’ve just papered over the cracks in the hope of forgetting that they’re there. Does a one night stand make me a slut? I’ve never had a one night stand before, let alone when I’m supposed to be committed to someone else. So to do it while I’m in a relationship, and with a total stranger in a back alley, I’m ashamed.
    But do you know the worst thing? I would do it again in a heartbeat. Because I couldn’t have stopped it. With him, I couldn’t have said no.
    Where do I go from here? I have no idea what mess I’m going to find when I get home. Maybe the girl is okay and has talked to the police and Damien has already been arrested. Maybe he’s already left without me. Maybe he’s waiting for me to come home. Either way, I can’t sit here forever. The sun starts to peek over the horizon and the whole world takes on a different perspective as the light hits the water. You can’t hide in the daylight, and what would that solve anyway? Time to go home and face the music.
     

    I prop my leg against the wall outside the hospital and mindlessly spark up another cigarette. I try to focus on what I need to do next. But I can’t. It’s just a blur. A blur of thoughts, feelings and conversations that I had with Lizzie over the last few days. I should have bought her a drink, maybe then she wouldn’t have taken illegal drugs. Did she do it to get back at me for not buying her a drink? Damn, I should have let her grow up, shouldn’t have tried to protect her because now, I’ll never be able to protect her from anything ever again. Never. That’s it. It’s over.
    “I think we need to go home, man,” Harley says quietly beside me. I had forgotten that he was there. I had forgotten that anyone else had existed.
    “I don’t want to leave her,” I whisper. Once I leave here and face the rest of the world, that means it’s real.
    “Oh shit,” he mumbles. “Finn?”
    “Yeah.”
    “I think,” he takes a breath, “We’re gonna need to tell your mum.”
    And just like that, I break.
    Body wracking sobs tear through my chest and the pain and realisation of losing one of the only two people that have ever really mattered to me, pierces every part of my soul. I know having to say it out loud, to actually admit that it’s true, is going to kill me as much as it will for my mum to hear it. Harley wraps his arms around my shoulders and I cry into his chest. I’m not too macho for this. I don’t care that Marc and Kyle are looking on. I need his comfort. I need his strength. Because I’m not sure I’m strong enough to get through this on my own.
    “I can’t tell her yet, I’m not ready. How can I tell her that her only daughter is … I can’t