excavated a boot print sheâd left on the snowy step outside his apartment and preserved it in his freezer.
To be in love was to be dazed twenty times a morning: by the latticework of frost on his windshield; by a feather loosed from his pillow; by a soft, pink rim of light over the hills. He slept three or four hours a night. Some days he felt as if he were about to peel back the surface of the Earthâthe trees standing frozen on the hills, the churning face of the inletâand finally witness what lay beneath, the structure under there, the fundamental grid.
Tuesdays quivered and vibrated, the second hand slogging around the dial. Wednesdays were the axis around which the rest of the week spun. Thursdays were deserts, ghost towns. By the weekends, the bits of herself that she had left behind in his apartment took on near-holy significance: a hair, coiled on the rim of the sink; the crumbs of four saltines scattered across the bottom of a plate. Her salivaâher proteins and enzymes and bacteriaâstill probably all over those crumbs; her skin cells on the pillows, all over the floor, pooling as dust in the corners. What was it Watson had taught him, and Einstein, and Pasteur? The things we see are only masks for the things we canât see.
He flattened his hair with a quivering hand; he walked into the bank lobby shaking like a thief; he produced a store-bought daisy from his knapsack and set it on the counter in front of her.
They made love with the window open, cold air pouring over their bodies. âWhat do you think movie stars do for Christmas?â sheâd ask, the hem of the sheet at her chin. âI bet they eat veal. Or sixty-pound turkeys. I bet they hire chefs to cook for them.â Out the window a jet traversed the sky, landing lights glowing, her eyes tracking it.
Sometimes she felt like a warm river, sometimes a blade of hot metal. Sometimes she took one of his papers from a shelf and propped herself on pillows and paged through it. âOne-dimensional snowpack algorithms,â sheâd read, solemnly, as if mouthing the words of a spell. âC d equals degree-day melt coefficient.â
âLeave a sock,â heâd whisper. âLeave your bra. Something to get methrough the week.â Sheâd stare up at the ceiling, thinking her own thoughts, and soon it would be time to leave: sheâd sheathe herself in her clothes once more, pull back her hair, lace up her boots.
When she was gone heâd bend over the mattress and try to smell her in the bedding. His brain projected her onto his eyelids relentlessly: the arrangement of freckles on her forehead; the articulateness of her fingers; the slope of her shoulders. The way underwear fit her body, nestling over her hips, slipping between her legs.
Every Saturday she worked the drive-up teller window. I love you, Sandy, heâd write on a deposit slip and drop it into the pneumatic chute outside the bank. Not now, sheâd respond, and send the canister flying back.
But I do, heâd write, in larger print. Right now I LOVE YOU.
He watched her crumple his note, compose a new one, seal the carrier, drop it into the intake. He brought it into his car, unscrewed it on his lap. Sheâd written: How much?
How much, how much, how much? A drop of water contains 10 20 molecules, each one agitated and twitchy, linking and separating with its neighbors, then linking up again, swapping partners millions of times a second. All water in any body is desperate to find more, to adhere to more of itself, to cling to the hand that holds it; to find clouds, or oceans; to scream from the throat of a teakettle.
âI want to be a police officer,â sheâd whisper. âI want to drive one of those sedans all day and say code words into my CB. Or a doctor! I could go to medical school in California and become a doctor for kids. I wouldnât need to do big, spectacular rescues or anything, just small
Janwillem van de Wetering