A Total Waste of Makeup Read Online Free PDF

right, they have both,” Dawn says. “Victoria’s Secret?”
    “La Perla,” Kate says, pulling her black dress over her head. “Charlie, you’ve sounded miserable all week. And you can’t be this upset just because Fuckface didn’t call. What’s really going on?”
    “I’m fine,” I insist.
    I get one “Shyeah!” and one “Aw, hell no!” You can guess who said what.
    “Okay, so maybe I’m a little bummed out,” I force myself to admit.
    “Why? It’s not the thirty thing, is it?” Dawn asks as she pops a piece of nicotine gum into her mouth, then hands me a piece.
    I take the gum square. Even though I have no intentions of quitting smoking, I would like to quit for tonight. Orange. It tastes like Bayer aspirin for children. Which actually does taste better than a Marlboro, but the last thing I need is to get addicted to nicotine gum and cigarettes.
    In response to her question, I mutter, “Maybe. I mean, my little sister’s getting married in four weeks, and I’m now a walking cliché.”
    “Please. She’s marrying a CPA who lives in Stevenson Ranch. Are we really jealous?” Dawn says in her “we’re so over them” tone.
    “Yes, because…Wait, do you even know where Stevenson Ranch is?” I ask Dawn. Stevenson Ranch is a fairly new community located way the hell out at the edge of the county. It’s very white bread. I can’t imagine Dawn has even heard of it, much less formed an opinion about it.
    “Not exactly,” she admits. “But it sounds too white. So what’s the real problem?”
    Silence. She knows me. Yes, I am jealous my sister is getting married before me. But I live in a city where absolutely no one gets married before they’re thirty. So why do I feel so desperate?
    After a few more agonizing moments, I finally spit out, “I’ve never read War and Peace. ”
    Dawn and Kate exchange a bewildered look. They have not a clue what I’m babbling about.
    “And I don’t speak Spanish,” I continue. “I live in Los Angeles, and I don’t speak Spanish. Took Latin in school like an idiot and now here I am speaking nada. ”
    Silence. Dawn takes another sip of her champagne to stall for time. Kate slithers out of her Armani pants, and pulls her dress down over her waist.
    After several pensive moments, Dawn finally gives me a complicated solution to my complicated problem. “So go read War and Peace. ”
    “But get the Rosemary Edmonds translation,” Kate says, spritzing herself with a bottle of Chanel No. 5. “Most of the other translations are downright archaic.”
    “No, you guys aren’t getting it. I’m going to be thirty next month, and I’ve never done any of the things I thought I was going to grow up to do. It’s too depressing. I’m supposed to have a fabulous career, a fabulous husband, and three children by now. I don’t have any of those things.”
    Silence fills the car. None of us have any of those things. We aren’t married. We didn’t buy the fabulous home with the white picket fence. We didn’t write the great American novel, or star in the great American sitcom, or do anything that will put us in the White House later in life. None of us have ever been to a PTA meeting, and we have no guarantees we ever will.
    It’s no wonder they can’t think of anything to say to me. Who could? What possible solution is there to my life to make it more fulfilled?
    Dawn scrunches her lips toward one ear. “Have you gotten laid lately? That usually helps.”
    “No,” I say. “I had the most amazing third date with Dave, and I withheld, and he said he was going to call me and it’s been a week and he still hasn’t and I’m going to need a lot of drinks tonight.”
    As I end my sentence abruptly to take a gulp of my champagne, I suddenly have the horrific realization that I’m starting to sound like my mother. Ewwwww…
    “Why don’t you call him?” Kate asks.
    “Uh-uh. I’ve got the Post-It on the phone.”
    Aaah—the infamous Post-It. What girl