at learning things like math which I canât do at all. I tried to learn addition and subtraction for a long time until I got to tenth grade and the teachers finally said, âThatâs enough. Letâs quit trying to learn addition and subtraction.â Instead I worked on life skills math like telling time and counting money which is also hard for me. Even though Nan doesnât like the van with all the disabled kids, she wanted me to ride it so I could be safe, but Mom said leaving the bus forever would be like letting mean boys win. So I kept riding the regular bus, in my new seat. I wrote Mr. Firth about all of this because I was proud of myself. And the next time I watched Pride and Prejudice , he looked at me in a new way. As if he was a little bit sad but also proud of me.
I havenât written him yet about what happened to me at the football game because I donât want to worry him. I also donât know what I would say. Even if I went back to school where the only computers I can use are, I donât think my fingers would know what to type.
Recently Iâm starting to think Mr. Firth is looking at me different again. Like heâs wondering why Iâm spending so much time watching him and not going to school. Like maybe he already knows the real reason even though I havenât written a letter and told him.
Today I look down and realize that even though Iâm watching Pride and Prejudice , Iâm wearing a T-shirt and pajama bottoms. Also, my hair isnât brushed.
I donât know why I havenât realized this before.
Iâm so embarrassed, I turn off the TV and start to cry. Nan rushes in and says, âBelinda! What is it? Youâve scared me to death!â
I canât tell her why Iâm crying. That I canât keep watching Pride and Prejudice in my pajamas because Iâm scared Mr. Firth will look out and see me and I donât want him to be disappointed.
Nan helps me sit down and brings me water. I donât remember how long itâs been since Iâve gone to school. I donât remember if Iâve gotten dressed at all but I donât think I have. Which means itâs been a few weeks at least that Mr. Firth has seen me watching him in my pajamas. My heart keeps beating fast but finally, after a long time, I calm down enough to speak. âI have to get dressed,â I say.
The next day I do.
My clothes are loose and my hair is longer than the last time I looked in a mirror. Iâm so surprised at this I almost donât recognize myself. I look in the mirror and talk to see if my lips move. They do. It is me. âHello,â I say to the mirror. âMy name is Belinda.â
Seeing myself talk makes me cry again. I donât know if Iâll ever look like the old me. I wish we had more pictures of the old me so I could remember what I used to look like but Mom doesnât have a camera and Nan says cameras have gotten too complicated for her. We have my school pictures framed along the wall but they donât look like the real me. In most of those, my smile is nervous, which means I donât remember what the real old me looked like. Maybewhen Mr. Firth squinted from the TV, he wasnât worried, he just didnât recognize me.
Because my old clothes donât fit, I wear Nanâs clothes around the house. Nan mostly wears dresses with matching belts and skirts with white shirts that button up. âIn my day,â she always says, âladies never wore pants except to work in the garden.â Usually this makes Mom stick her finger down her throat and lie down on the sofa. Wearing dresses makes me feel different, but not bad. I like the flowered prints and the little matching belts. One morning I try wearing nylons and orthopedic shoes like Nan, too, but those donât feel right. I like wearing the dresses, though. They make me feel like someone in an old-fashioned story. Not Pride and Prejudice