A Step Toward Falling

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Book: A Step Toward Falling Read Online Free PDF
Author: Cammie McGovern
at learning things like math which I can’t do at all. I tried to learn addition and subtraction for a long time until I got to tenth grade and the teachers finally said, “That’s enough. Let’s quit trying to learn addition and subtraction.” Instead I worked on life skills math like telling time and counting money which is also hard for me. Even though Nan doesn’t like the van with all the disabled kids, she wanted me to ride it so I could be safe, but Mom said leaving the bus forever would be like letting mean boys win. So I kept riding the regular bus, in my new seat. I wrote Mr. Firth about all of this because I was proud of myself. And the next time I watched Pride and Prejudice , he looked at me in a new way. As if he was a little bit sad but also proud of me.
    I haven’t written him yet about what happened to me at the football game because I don’t want to worry him. I also don’t know what I would say. Even if I went back to school where the only computers I can use are, I don’t think my fingers would know what to type.
    Recently I’m starting to think Mr. Firth is looking at me different again. Like he’s wondering why I’m spending so much time watching him and not going to school. Like maybe he already knows the real reason even though I haven’t written a letter and told him.
    Today I look down and realize that even though I’m watching Pride and Prejudice , I’m wearing a T-shirt and pajama bottoms. Also, my hair isn’t brushed.
    I don’t know why I haven’t realized this before.
    I’m so embarrassed, I turn off the TV and start to cry. Nan rushes in and says, “Belinda! What is it? You’ve scared me to death!”
    I can’t tell her why I’m crying. That I can’t keep watching Pride and Prejudice in my pajamas because I’m scared Mr. Firth will look out and see me and I don’t want him to be disappointed.
    Nan helps me sit down and brings me water. I don’t remember how long it’s been since I’ve gone to school. I don’t remember if I’ve gotten dressed at all but I don’t think I have. Which means it’s been a few weeks at least that Mr. Firth has seen me watching him in my pajamas. My heart keeps beating fast but finally, after a long time, I calm down enough to speak. “I have to get dressed,” I say.
    The next day I do.
    My clothes are loose and my hair is longer than the last time I looked in a mirror. I’m so surprised at this I almost don’t recognize myself. I look in the mirror and talk to see if my lips move. They do. It is me. “Hello,” I say to the mirror. “My name is Belinda.”
    Seeing myself talk makes me cry again. I don’t know if I’ll ever look like the old me. I wish we had more pictures of the old me so I could remember what I used to look like but Mom doesn’t have a camera and Nan says cameras have gotten too complicated for her. We have my school pictures framed along the wall but they don’t look like the real me. In most of those, my smile is nervous, which means I don’t remember what the real old me looked like. Maybewhen Mr. Firth squinted from the TV, he wasn’t worried, he just didn’t recognize me.
    Because my old clothes don’t fit, I wear Nan’s clothes around the house. Nan mostly wears dresses with matching belts and skirts with white shirts that button up. “In my day,” she always says, “ladies never wore pants except to work in the garden.” Usually this makes Mom stick her finger down her throat and lie down on the sofa. Wearing dresses makes me feel different, but not bad. I like the flowered prints and the little matching belts. One morning I try wearing nylons and orthopedic shoes like Nan, too, but those don’t feel right. I like wearing the dresses, though. They make me feel like someone in an old-fashioned story. Not Pride and Prejudice
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