A Room Swept White Read Online Free PDF Page B

‘Fuck, did I read you wrong! I thought you were rational.’
    I bite my lip, struggling to take in this latest revelation: that Laurie has an idea of what sort of person I am. It means he’s spent time thinking about me, even if only a few seconds. It has to mean that.
    ‘You deserve a chance,’ he says in a bored voice, as if it’s tiresome having to convince me. ‘I decided to give you that chance.’
    ‘You want control of the film even after you leave. You chose me because you thought I’d be easier than anyone else to manipulate.’ I hope he’s impressed by how calm I am. On the surface, at least. Not in a million years did I ever imagine that I would stand in Laurie Nattrass’s office and accuse him of bad things. What the hell am I doing? How many innocent citizens has he sprung from their jail cells while I’ve been whiling away my spare time leafing through
heat
magazine on the sofa, or shouting abuse at
Strictly Come Dancing
?What if I’ve completely misread the situation and I’m the one in the wrong?
    Laurie leans back in his chair. Slowly, he shakes his head. ‘Fine. You don’t want to exec the documentary that’s going to win every prize going? You don’t want to be Creative Director? Then why don’t you make Maya’s day: tell her you want out of the deal, and watch her lose any respect for you that she ever had.’
    ‘The
deal
?’ I am bloody well not in the wrong here. ‘You mean the deal I wasn’t party to, the one that involves my life and career?’
    ‘You’ll never be offered anything again,’ Laurie sneers. ‘Not at Binary Star, not anywhere. How long do you think it’ll be before you’re standing behind Tamsin in the dole queue?’
    Mercury, Earth, Venus, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Neptune, Uranus, Pluto
.
    ‘I don’t feel comfortable getting a pay-rise of a hundred grand a year when my friend’s losing her job,’ I say as unemotionally as possible. ‘Of course I’d like more money, but I also like being able to sleep at night.’
    ‘You, lose sleep? Don’t make me laugh!’
    I take a deep breath and say, ‘I don’t know what you imagine you know about me, but you’re wrong.’ Then I feel like a scumbag for implying that I might have an active social conscience, when in fact all the sleep I’ve lost has either been love-related, or . . .
    Or nothing. I can’t let myself think about that now, or I’ll start crying and blurt out the whole story to Laurie. How hideously embarrassing would that be?
    How much would he hate me if he knew
?
    ‘Jesus,’ he mutters. ‘Look, I apologise, okay? I thought I was doing you a favour.’
    What happens if I say yes? I could say yes
. No, I couldn’t. What the hell’s wrong with me? I’m panicking, and upset about Tamsin, and it’s affected my brain. The state I’m in, it’s probably sensible to say as little as possible.
    Laurie swings his chair round so that I can’t see him. ‘I told the board you were worth what I think you’re worth,’ he says flatly. ‘They nearly shat themselves, but I made a good case and I talked them round. Do you know what that means?’
    A good case?
Do what I say or I’ll put the kibosh on the film
– that’s his idea of a good case? He can’t even be bothered to put a convincing gloss on it; that’s how little he values me.
    Without waiting for my response, he says, ‘It means a hundred and forty a year is now officially what you’re worth. Think of yourself as a share on the stock market. Your value’s just gone up. If you tell Maya you don’t want it, if you say, “Yes, please, I’d like a pay-rise but not
that
much, because I’m not
that
good, so can we please negotiate downwards?” – do that and you plummet to rock-bottom.’ He spins round to face me. ‘You’re worthless,’ he says emphatically, as if I might have missed the point.
    That’s it: my limit. I turn and walk out. Laurie doesn’t call after me or follow me. What does he think I’m going to do? Take