A Matter of Trust: Follow Your Heart Read Online Free PDF Page B

“
    Then gripping his hand like a lifeline, she did.  She
told him about her step father and the little “games” that started when she was
12 and how that even though they seemed harmless at first – a matter of touches
in private places – she knew they were wrong.  And about how, because he asked
her not to,  she didn’t tell her mother, so that when the games became more and
more intrusive, she was complicit somehow and couldn’t say anything.. 
She told him she had tried to get him to stop but he wouldn’t.  And about how,
when she finally told her mother, her mother thought she was making it up.  It
was when she was talking about that betrayal, she broke down and wept.  Doug
desperately wanted to hold her and comfort her, but knew he couldn’t.  That
made him weep a bit too. “It must have been terrible.”
    “It was.”  Then she told about how she’d prayed for
her father to die, so that when he was killed in a car accident, she was sure
she had killed him but couldn’t tell anybody.
    Doug drew breath to remonstrate, but she put her hand
over his mouth.  She’d already left that guilt behind, and didn’t want to be
interrupted before she’d reached the end, lest she not be able to carry on. 
Finally, she told Doug  that it was only  through getting to know him that she
had been able to revisit her story and get some peace about it –
intellectually  at least.  He had shown her that all men were not her
stepfather and that the abuse had been his making, not hers.  She’d learned
from Doug that all men were not abusive, and had even gone on to realize that
most men weren’t.  She’d seen in watching Cord and Betty that Doug wasn’t the
only one.
    Finally she turned to Doug and said. “I love you,
Doug.  And I want to be yours in every way. I know my fear of being touched in
the ways I know you want to touch me, and indeed I want to be touched by you,
is a neurotic fear that I must get over.  And I will try.  But please be
patient with me.”
    “Allison, I love you too and I will be as patient as
necessary. But let’s do everything we can to make it work as soon as possible. 
Right now, can I begin by my kissing your hand?”
    “I’d love you to do that,” replied Allison, and when
he took her hand and kissed her palm, she froze for a moment, but only a
moment, and then raised their hands to her mouth and kissed his.  The pact was
sealed.
     

Chapter 8
     
    Neither Doug nor Allison slept particularly soundly. 
There were things on their mind.  Allison was full of love and fear, all mixed
up and roiling about in her head.   Doug was much the same. He was so afraid of
screwing up. He wasn’t afraid of losing control.  He hadn’t done that since he
was 19.  But he wasn’t sure what the right thing to do was.  He formed a dozen
scenarios in his head, and dreamed another dozen.  But when he woke up, he was
relieved to realize that it wasn’t up to him, but to Allison. He could propose,
but Allison, like God, would dispose. 
    The day dawned bright, but bitterly cold. There would
be little or no thawing, so they’d be marooned another day at least, which they
both thought was the best thing possible.  Allison’s ankle was much better,
nearly healed, and so, with it tightly bandaged, they ventured out to enjoy the
beauty of the day.  It was indeed a winter wonderland, with ice everywhere,
glittering so brightly that they had to fetch sunglasses to look at it.  The
farmhouse was festooned with icicles, which spoke to Doug of the need for
better insulation in the roof, but transformed it into a fairy castle, or at
least a Christmas card feature. 
    They walked very slowly, for the going was
treacherous.  Doug asked Alison if he could put his arm around her waist to
protect her against another fall, and she hesitatingly agreed.  As before, she
had a moment of panic when he did so, but almost immediately relaxed and leaned
against him, and when her ankle began to