A Lion's Tale: Around the World in Spandex Read Online Free PDF Page A

Pacific and was rumored to be a cannibal. They feuded over the BTWF title, which was a very prestigious piece of hardware that we made out of cardboard. The big main event for PummelMania was a special Grotto Valley Death Match for the championship. I have no idea what a Grotto Valley Death Match was or how we thought of it. But it was an angry match, my friends, and it culminated with the Eastern Crowbar crawling up a twenty-foot (or six-foot) steel ladder on his way to certain victory. Just as the Crowster reached the top of the ladder and prepared to jump off onto the helpless Galangoo Man for the win, the gym door opened and the janitor walked in. Everyone called him Egypt because nobody could understand the gibberish he spewed out of his mouth, but it was easy to understand his intent as he started screaming at me, “Downnoo...Youga downnooa!” I tried to negotiate with Egypt by explaining that I just had to do this one move and then we would split. Egypt’s words were still muddled but were becoming more distinct, “No owne zing. Youga doooowwnnnnssss!” He then shambled over and stood over the Galangoo Man, which gave me no choice.
    I jumped off the ladder and kicked the son of a bitch in the face.
    Actually, I climbed down the ladder with my tail between my legs and the legendary PummelMania main event was declared a no contest.
    In the summer, we took the matches to my swimming pool where we organized a massive Intercity Title tournament, using the edge of the pool for...ummm....dives and splashes. We also published a BTWF magazine that featured articles on all the wrestlers in our company and had ads for such things as BTWF plum and coconut cookies. We created the BTWF Orchestra to record theme songs for the wrestlers and put together
Suplex: The BTWF Wrestling Album,
featuring all our guys singing songs.
    We were both pretty much raving schizos at this point.
    In the midst of all this imagination, I was hit with a cold shot of reality when my parents decided to get a divorce. My parents had been married twenty years, but over the last few years they had been unraveling at the seams. I used to lie in my bed and listen to them arguing, sometimes flat-out screaming and swearing at each other, just praying that they would stop so I could get to sleep with a clear conscience. About a year earlier, my parents had started sleeping in different rooms. They didn’t say anything regarding the reason why and they didn’t have to; it was obvious they were having MAJOR problems. It all came to a head one night when I forgot to put the milk back in the fridge and my mom just exploded on me. Things quickly spiraled out of control and my parents got into this monster fight. I jumped into the escape pod of my friend’s car and split and when I came back home, my dad was gone. A few days later he came back and my mom and dad sat me down and told me he was moving out. My dad was really upset, almost in tears, but my mom was very calm and matter-of-fact about it. I was furious that they made me sit there and be in the middle of the whole thing. Their contrasting emotions—him so sad, her so businesslike—just confused me even more and made me feel worse. As a result, instead of asking what the problems were about, I just clammed up and waited for it all to be over. My way of dealing with the situation was to just tune out. I just completely ignored the situation and totally committed myself to my friends, my music, and my wrestling. Their divorce also skyrocketed my desire to get out of the house, to escape from Winnipeg and to make something of myself. I still loved both of my parents but just because their lives were messed up didn’t mean I was going to mess up mine too. It was now clear what my life’s mission was...wrestler be thy name!

 
     
    CHAPTER 3
     
     
    BODY SLAMS, BISCUITS, AND BIBLES
     
     
    A fter my dad moved out, he got an apartment close to where my mom and I lived and made a concerted effort to