A Game of Groans: A Sonnet of Slush and Soot Read Online Free PDF Page B

doorway in the process—Bobbert stuck his head out of the upstairs window and yelled, “Hey, Headmaster, as soon as I finish doing my Kingly duty to your wife, you and me are gonna talk. Somewhere private.”
    The Queen’s twin brother, the Knight Sur Jagweed, piped up, “You want me to sit in on this one, Your Highness?”
    Frowning, Bobbert asked, “You have any clue what the word private means, Jag?” Then, under his breath, he mumbled, “Dumbass.”
    Cerevix screamed, “I heard that!”
    “Good!” he screamed back. To Head, he ordered, “Meet me in the drawing room before I show this wife of yours how a real man takes care of his business.”
    Once they were seated in the drawing room, sipping their drinks—Head a small glass of water, Bobbert a huge goblet of grog—Bobbert belched and said, “So. Functionary ceased to function.”
    Head nodded. “Yes. Heartbreaking.”
    “You hear how he bit it?” Bobbert asked.
    Rolling his eyes at Bobbert’s callousness, Head said, “No, Bobbert, I did not hear how your Foot, and my brother-in-law, passed away.”
    “He died laughing.”
    Head sighed. Dying of laughter had become a minor epidemic in Easterrabbit, but it had only affected the peasants. Royalty had avoided this terrible fate. Until now. “Do you know what he was laughing at?” he asked.
    “No clue,” Bobbert said. “But you can bet it wasn’t at anything Tritone said. That man needs some new material.”
    “You aren’t kidding. So who’s going to take over the rule of Vailcolorado?”
    “Well, your sister-in-law Lysergic isn’t fit to rule a litter of cats, let alone an entire kingdom. Plus she’s a woman, and Gods knows you can’t put a woman on a throne. They’re insane.”
    “Not all women are insane, Bobbert,” Head said.
    “You live with Cerevix for a few Summers, and we’ll talk. As for Functionary’s replacement, if I had my druthers, I’d bring in one of those Dorki idiots, because they’re too stupid to make stupid decisions, if you know what I mean. Unfortunately, I can’t, because it’s House Aaron, and it has to be an Aaron, which means…”
    Interrupting, Head groaned, “Bobbby.”
    Nodding, Bobbert said, “Bobbby.”
    “No. No way. No how. Bobbby’s a … a … a…”
    “Yeah, he’s a prick. He’s only six, but he’s already a prick. I agree. But he’s the next male Aaron, so we’re stuck with the little freak.”
    “Great. So we’ve got a moron leading House Aaron, and a moron-in-waiting at House…” He trailed off.
    Bobbert said, “You were going to say, A moron-in-waiting at House Barfonme, weren’t you?”
    “I … I … I…” Head stammered.
    “You … you … you … you’re right . My son is a moron, Head. My Godsdamn horse is smarter than that little yahoo. And lucky you, he’s only a Summer away from being your son-in-law.”
    “Don’t remind me,” Head moaned. “Sasha is thrilled about the whole thing. She can’t wait to marry him. And I have to pay for the wedding. The thought of it gets my ulcer burning as hot as the hottest of hot Summers.”
    “As well it should. So listen, I didn’t come here to discuss how idiotic our respective families are. I need to ask you something, face-to-face, man to man, mano a mano .”
    “Anything, Bobbert…”
    “Be my Foot.”
    “… except that. No. No way. No how. No sir.”
    “Why not, may I ask?” asked the King.
    “Well, Summer is coming.”
    “An unacceptable answer. Next excuse.”
    “Um, okay, I’m not worthy to fill the Functionary’s pants.”
    “You are. You da man. You’re so money, and you don’t even know it. Next excuse.”
    “Okay, how about Summer is coming?”
    “Still unacceptable. Next excuse.”
    “How about Foots seem to die a whole bunch, and I have a family to consider.”
    Bobbert shook his head as if it were a ball bouncing in a field on a muddy day. “Tough patooties. You’re my new Foot. Pack up your crap. We’re outta here.”
    “But … but