A Fair Maiden Read Online Free PDF Page A

Thank you, but no."
    She held out the box to him. She was upset, and she was angry. Mr. Kidder professed surprise and refused to take the box from her. "Don't be silly, Katya. Why can't you take this? It's really very attractive and very finely made and there is nothing wrong with accepting it from me. You know, you don't need to tell anyone about it."
    "I don't want it. I don't wear things like this. I don't—want it." She was laughing, this was so absurd. An old man like Marcus Kidder, giving such lingerie to her. She fumbled for Tricia's hand and roused the little girl from Funny Bunny's Birthday Party, pushed the stroller toward the front door as Mr. Kidder accompanied her, apologizing. Yet you couldn't know if Mr. Kidder was truly apologetic or if he was teasing; if he was genuinely sorry he'd embarrassed and upset her or if he was laughing at her.
    "Dear Katya! I never meant whatever it is you seem to think that I meant. And you can return the gift to the store—the receipt is inside."
    Mr. Kidder followed Katya outside. At the privet-hedge entrance he extended his hand to her, gravely, but Katya would not take it. Both she and Mr. Kidder were breathing quickly. A hot flush had come into Katya's face. She was determined never to see Marcus Kidder again, never to return to this house. Above, the sky was layered in clouds thin as steam, obscuring the sun. The pale sickle moon had vanished. Katya was sure that she hadn't been in Mr. Kidder's house for even an hour, yet it felt much later.
    Mr. Kidder continued to apologize, yet there appeared to be merriment in his eyes, not repentance. You could see that Marcus Kidder was a terrible tease; you could not trust Marcus Kidder. His behavior made little girls like Tricia laugh in delight as if they were being tickled. Tricia adored funny Mr. Kidder and shook hands goodbye, but Katya refused to shake his hand, Katya was grievously wounded in her soul. To her he said, "Come back another time, dear. When you are not so agitated. When you can come alone. And can stay longer. Your present will be awaiting you."
     
     
    How furious you were, my darling! Yet you knew I did not mean to hurt you. And you knew, as I certainly did, that you'd be back.

3
     
    "F UCK YOU, OLD MAN . You don't know me."
    She was a blunt girl. She was a crude girl. She was an angry girl. For all the Spivaks were angry, and she was a Spivak. Yet she was a girl easily embarrassed, shamed. Many times a day she felt, like the fleeting shadows of clouds passing the sun, the kick in the gut Shame! shame!, all the while her mouth fixed in that faint half-smile: Yes, I am a nice girl, I am a friendly and helpful girl, tell me what to do, give me instructions and I will do it.
    Minimum-wage jobs part-time, after school, and summers she'd been working since the age of thirteen, knowing she couldn't expect her parents to help pay for her college expenses even at the community college. Hospital bills, credit card debts—she'd ceased hearing. Her father's gambling debts: these had to be repaid. Or maybe the interest on the loans. Which was why she'd become a very capable girl. Not skinny, not weak like girls she saw here in Bayhead Harbor, rich girls she despised. Except if one of them, visiting the Engelhardts with her parents, smiled at Katya, asked where Katya was from, Katya's heart melted every time. For she was a girl who admired, adored, yearned to love many people. Though she hated many people! In school, since grade school, the friends she'd yearned for took little interest in her: she was a Spivak, and the Spivaks had acquired a certain reputation in Cumberland County, New Jersey. She was not a beautiful girl. She was a girl for boys to have sex with, except she would not have sex with them, which angered them. She was a shy girl; she distrusted her body. She did not see herself in a mirror and think, That is me, but she would think, Is that me?, staring in doubt, distrust. Nor did she trust her teachers