7 A Tasteful Crime Read Online Free PDF

‘Do you want to go round the back and have a look?’
    ‘Not just now,’ said Jock. ‘This is practically our last chance for a quiet pint before the madness descends.’
    ‘There won’t be any madness,’ said Dave confidently. ‘No more than usual anyway.’
    ‘No madness?’ said Jock. ‘This whole thing’s a recipe for madness.’
    He sat back, pleased with his witty play on words.
    Jemima and Tricia groaned in unison.
    ‘What happens tomorrow?’ said Dave. ‘Will I have to get out of the house early in case I contaminate the kitchen?’
    ‘Of course not,’ said Jemima. ‘ You're my assistant. They’ll want to film you as well. Better wear that nice shirt I gave you for your birthday.’
    Dave blushed – that was a first, thought Jock. What had the silly old fool been up to?
    ‘You haven’t been wearing it to mess about with the car, have you?’ Jemima enquired suspiciously.
    ‘Not the car exactly,’ said Dave. ‘Anybody need another drink?’
    ‘We’ve only just got one,’ said Jemima.
    ‘Are you sure you don’t want to have a look at the big apple?’ said Dave to Jock urgently.
    Jock sighed and put down his glass. ‘Go on then. Let’s get it over with.’
    They had to stand up against the monstrous regiment of women, after all, even although Jemima and Tricia weren’t anything like as monstrous as some of the women Jock had run up against over the years. Dave led the way round to the car park behind the pub. Sure enough, there was a giant red apple on wheels sitting there just across from Charlie Smith’s new people-carrier. He didn’t use it to carry people – apart from the dog - but to bring things home from the discount store.
    They walked round the apple.
    ‘Is it legal to drive something like this?’ said Jock.
    ‘ It’s fine,’ said Dave. ‘Maybe best to have an HGV licence though. In case you get stopped by the police... You’d be all right having a spin round the car park.’
    ‘Me? I’ve only driven the dodgems!’ said Jock. ‘They won’t have left the keys in it – will they?’
    He sincerely hoped they wouldn’t have. But Dave peered into the cab and said gleefully, ‘They have, too!’ He opened the door and reached in. ‘It’d be a criminal waste not to have a go, wouldn’t it?’
    Jock took a step away from him. ‘Not really.’
    He thought afterwards that Dave had probably taken that as a challenge. But by that time it was too late.
    ‘You coming?’ said Dave, tossing the keys in the air like a boy racer and catching them.
    ‘What did you do with your good shirt?’ said Jock, trying to distract him.
    ‘Oil change,’ said Dave as he got into the cab and put the keys in the ignition.
    ‘I wouldn’t do that if I were you,’ said Jock, but by that time the engine was making such a noise that Dave couldn’t hear him. Or at least, he didn’t admit to hearing anything.
    Jock sidled away and stood at the corner of the building. He hoped it was a safe distance, but he had his doubts.
    There was a hideous grinding as Dave tried to work out how the gears worked. A hideous screeching as he tried to move off without taking the handbrake off. Then a hideous clunking and banging as the giant apple shot right backwards and straight into Charlie Smith’s people-carrier. It was amazing, reflected Jock, what a lot of damage an apple could do.
    He went round the corner and out to the street and just kept on walking. He didn’t want to be around when Jemima and Charlie exploded simultaneously. That would teach people the meaning of the big bang, all right.
     
    Chapter 5 Much More than Five a Day
     
    The Cultural Centre would never be the same again, thought Christopher gloomily. Never had so much havoc been wreaked by such a small number of people in such a short time. When he had left the building with Deirdre to find Eric, things had been more or less under control. When he and Amaryllis wandered back in, his office door was wedged open, contrary to fire