16 Sizzling Sixteen Read Online Free PDF Page A

with him. Ernie Wilkes is his best friend, but Ernies wife wouldnt put up with having Dirk in the house.

    You look all dressed up, Lula said. Are you going out someplace?

    No. I just got home. I was at Karen Shishlers afternoon viewing at Stivas. Tomasina turned to me. Your grandmother is there causing a scene because theres a closed casket. The viewing was over, and she refused to leave until they opened the casket.

    Thanks, I said. If you see Dirk, please call me.

    FOUR

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    I guess youre gonna go get your granny, Lula said.

    Yeah. Ill just check to see if shes still here.

    Im gonna wait in the car if its okay with you, Lula said. Not that Im afraid of dead people or anything, but it gives me the willies.

    Stivas is housed in a big white colonial on Hamilton. The front steps are covered in green outdoor carpet, and they lead to a wide front porch that spans the width of the house. I walked into the large lobby and heard Grandma arguing with the funeral director in slumber room number three.

    How do I know shes in there if you wont open the lid? Grandma said.

    You have my word of honor, he told her.

    Mitchell Shepherd owns the funeral home. He bought it a year ago and probably regrets his decision. People in the Burg take their funeral homes seriously, and since the Burg lacks a movie theater or mall, the funeral home is most often the entertainment of choice. Shepherd is a mostly bald man in his fifties. He has a round face, round body, and his funereal uniform is navy suit, white shirt, navy striped tie.

    Just a peek, Grandma said. I wont tell no one.

    Cant do it. The family wants the casket closed.

    Grandma Mazur came to live with my parents when Grandpa Mazur passed on to wherever it is that baconeating, whiskey-drinking, gravy-loving people pass on to. Shes five foot five on a good day, has tightly permed gray hair, a body thats mostly slack skin on spindle bones, and an attitude only old ladies can pull off.

    I made an effort to come here today, and what good is it if I cant even see the deceased? Grandma said. Next time, Im going to Mortons Mortuary. They never have closed caskets.

    Shepherd looked like hed pay Grandma to go to Mortons. He glanced my way and almost collapsed with relief.

    Stephanie! he said. How nice to see you.

    Well, for goodness sakes, Grandma said. Look whos here. Did your mother send you after me?

    No. I heard you were creating a disturbance, and I came on my own.

    Just in time to give me a ride home, Grandma said. No reason to stay here any longer, since Mr. Party Pooper wont open the lid for me.

    I escorted Grandma out of the funeral home and she stopped short when she saw the Jeep.

    Isnt this a cute little thing, she said. This is a pip of a car. I always wanted to ride in one of these. How the heck do I get into it?

    Lula climbed into the backseat and reached a hand down to Grandma. I got my hand under Grandmas behind, and we alley-ooped her into the passenger seat.

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    I love pot roast, Lula said. I bet youre having mashed potatoes and gravy with it, too. I love mashed potatoes and pot roast gravy.

    You should stay for dinner, Grandma said. We always got extra.

    If youre sure its no trouble, Lula said. I wouldnt want to impose. And I wont eat much on account of Im on this new diet where I only eat one thing. Like, I only eat one piece of pot roast and one glob of mashed potatoes and one green bean.

    Have you lost weight? Grandma asked.

    Not yet, but I only just started. Im still getting the hang of it. Like, what happens when you eat salad? Does it mean you eat one salad? Or does it mean you eat one piece of lettuce and one piece of tomato? It dont matter a lot, since I dont understand the whole salad obsession anyway. Lettuce dont look like a food to me. And if youre gonna eat a tomato, I say put it on a burger.

    My parents live in a two-family house. They share a common wall with Mrs. Markowitz, and both halves of