You Don't Know Jack Read Online Free PDF

am I supposed to be seeing?"
    "I can't pass as a gay man. Or any man."
    "Oh, honey, I agree." He clasped my shoulder and met my gaze. " No one makes a breast binder that would flatten you that much."
    I laughed, the knot of tension inside me bursting apart. "Hard to believe I spent my early teens built like a boy."
    Air hissed from between his teeth. "No F-ing way."
    I nodded. "I was so pathetic, I sent away for breast enlarging contraptions from ads in the back of gossip magazines I'd snitched from the Clip and Flip ."
    "I've seen those ads." His eyes rounded. Was he wearing mascara? "But I figure if a gadget seems unbelievable..." His gaze was locked on my boobs. "Guess I was wrong."
    "No... you weren't." I laughed harder.
    He seemed exasperated by the whole conversation. "Well, stop the presses and hold back the rains. You have body issues! What woman doesn't? Ye gods, I'm forever hearing the complaints. They're either too big or too small where they least or most want to be. Either they have stick straight hair and yearn for curly or vice versa." He tugged the dead man's jacket off me. "Though, you know, I can understand that big butt thing. I'd hate to have a big butt."
    I rolled my eyes. He was a mosquito, a gnat. What butt? "Trust me, you have nothing to fear." I, on the other hand had fear oozing from my pores. "I can't just waltz into Club Jaded Edge as myself. I'm not supposed to spy on Frankie at work. Dinah will fire me. Especially if she finds out I've taken on a male client. Women like knowing I don't do men. It boosts their trust in me, you know?"
    Apollo eyed me as though assessing the situation. He lifted the hat from my head and plopped it on my Ken doll. It figured: it actually looked better on the mannequin. "Stop worrying."
    But I couldn't. "And then there's Frankie, himself. What if he realizes he's seen me somewhere before — like in a Bainbridge Island coffee shop yesterday? What am I going to do?"
    "When I'm done with you—" Apollo walked around me, looking me up and down. " — I guarantee, he won't remember you."
    "Oh, he'll remember me. People always remember me." I struggled to stand still while he undid my tie. "I won't be able to follow him after that."
    "He's not going to recognize you." He pulled the tie from my neck and began unbuttoning the vest. There was a gleam in his eye. He'd come up with an idea. "No one will."
    "They won't? Why not?"
    "Passing as a man isn't your only option."
    "There's another?"
    "You've seen Victor/Victoria..."
    Light dawned. "You mean dress like a man dressed like a woman."
    "Exactly." He nodded.
    I nodded, quickly realizing we looked like bobble head dolls.
    "I'll be a drag queen... like Bruce." I didn't look much like Britney Spears, but maybe with Apollo's help I could carry it off. Maybe. "It's inspired."
    "It's brilliant." He beamed. "You'll be wonderful. You'll outdo Bruce at his own game."
    Yeah. That's what I'd do. I'd do Bruce better than Bruce. Except for one tiny glitch: I don't do men. "I don't know how to be a transvestite."
    "That's why I'll be by your side every minute." Apollo studied my face. "You already look a bit like Dolly Parton."
    Dolly Parton?
    Not Britney?
    I glanced in the mirror again and grimaced. Okay, so who was I kidding with that Britney fantasy? "Aren't I too tall?"
    "You should be thanking God for the resemblance," he said, catching my chin in his hand, twisting my face this way and that. "It will make our task so much easier. When I'm done, I'll have you looking enough like the Queen of Dollywood to pass for her twin."
    It wasn't that I lacked confidence in Apollo's Extreme Makeover skills. If anyone could do it, he could. But there were obstacles. Dolly Parton jokes her waist is so teeny because nothing grows in shadow. I suspect she has some other secret. My waist lives in shadow and expands according to my intake of chocolate. Or ice cream. Dolly Parton probably doesn't intake chocolate or ice cream for depression stress.