You Can Say You Knew Me When Read Online Free PDF

listening earnestly while Teddy’s baritone boomed out a point-by-point exegesis on early-sixties jazz.
    The casket loomed up front, its glossy brown lid emphatically shut. According to Deirdre this was how my father wanted it, though I suspected it was her own choice. “Looking at a dead body is just creepy,” I heard her whisper to one of her friends as I drifted through the room, doing my best to keep conversations brief and superficial. As relatives and friends of the family, none of whom I’d seen since the barbecue for AJ’s birth, shuffled forward, one after another spoke to me in the apologetic language of grief. I’m sorry, I wish I knew what to say, I’m so sorry. My five-year withdrawal didn’t matter. All that mattered was that I was the son, so I got the sympathy.
    At one point Deidre pulled me into the hallway, away from the crowd. “I’m a little freaked out,” she said through clenched teeth.
    I patted her on the shoulder, tentative. “You’re doing great.”
    “When I got here this morning, I got a look at Dad.”
    “In the coffin? Is he embalmed?”
    “Of course he’s embalmed. He’s all fixed up. You can look, after everyone leaves.”
    “No, I don’t want to,” I said, absolutely clear on this.
    She wagged her hands, frustrated. “Why I’m freaked out is, he’s not wearing his wedding ring.” She explained to me that he never took that band off his finger. Though maybe, in the end, in his bedroom, or in the hospital, it had been removed. Or fell off. Or was taken.
    “It’s probably just misplaced,” I said. “Who would steal something like that?”
    We were interrupted by a gust of frigid air from the door, whisking in Aunt Katie. She paraded to the viewing room in a full-length fur coat, her frosted hair swept up dramatically, her pumps sporting heels treacherously high for an icy winter night. An entourage fanned out behind her: her son, Tommy; his wife, Amy, cradling a baby; and their three other children, all under twelve. Deirdre and I watched as Katie took the aisle and marched straight to Nana, swallowing her up in furry hugs and air kisses. I let Deidre join them before I made my way toward their conversational pantomime.
    “Aunt Katie.” I was unsure if I should lean in for an air kiss of my own.
    She stood stiffly, eyeing me up and down. “I was just saying to your sister, ‘Where’s your brother? He better have shown up.’”
    “Here I am,” I said, bowing my head deferentially.
    “I said, ‘Don’t tell me Jimmy didn’t show.’”
    “I showed.”
    She raised her chin. “What’s that? You don’t shave there?”
    “A little San Francisco style,” I said, rubbing the arty triangle of auburn hair—the soul patch —growing under my lower lip.
    Nana said, “You look scruffy.”
    “At least he got rid of the earrings,” Aunt Katie said. “Remember that? When he came home with the earrings?”
    “Haven’t had earrings for years,” I said, my face burning up.
    “And that tattoo, with the snakes.” She visibly shuddered.
    “Aw, leave the guy alone, Ma.” From around her side, Tommy extended a beefy paw.
    I shook his hand. “How’s it going, Tommy?”
    “Can’t complain. Never does any good.”
    “Jamie got in a couple days ago and he’s really been helping out a lot,” Deirdre said to no one in particular.
    “I’ve been helping, too, Mommy.” AJ was suddenly there, tugging on the hem of her skirt and looking shyly at his cousins.
    “Yes, you have. All my boys are being very good.”
    Katie sighed—so drawn out it was nearly a hum—her eyes still glued to me. She stepped closer, uncomfortably close. Maybe she’d comment on my breath, smoky from the cigarette I’d sneaked in the parking lot. “Let me tell you something,” she said, swallowing hard before continuing. “Your father deserved better.“
    I sucked in air, backed away reflexively. This was the judgment I’d been dreading, though I’d started to think I would get away