Where The Sidewalk Ends Read Online Free PDF Page B

ground.
    It took twenty-four more just to lower him down.
    And we covered him up and we figured that was all… for Paul.
    But late one night the trees started shakin’.
    The dogs started howlin’ and the earth started quakin’,
    And out of the ground with a “Hi, y’all” … come Paul!
    He shook the dirt from off of his clothes.
    He scratched his butt and he wiped his nose.
    “Y’know, bein’ dead wasn’t no fun at all” … says Paul.
    He says, “Up in heaven they got harps on their knees.
    They got clouds and wings but they got no trees.
    I don’t think that’s much of a heaven at all” … says Paul.
    So he jumps on his ox with a fare-thee-well.
    He says, “I’ll find out if they’s trees in hell.”
    And he rode away, and that was all… we ever seen … of Paul.
    But the next time you hear a “Timber!” yell
    That sounds like it’s comin’ from the pits of hell,
    Then a weird and devilish ghostly wail
    Like somebody choppin’ on the devil’s tail.
    Then a shout, a call, a crash, a fall-
    That ain’t no mortal man at all… that’s Paul!

    DANCING PANTS
    And now for the Dancing Pants,
    Doing their fabulous dance.
    From the seat to the pleat
    They will bounce to the beat,
    With no legs inside them
    And no feet beneath.
    They’ll whirl, and twirl, and jiggle and prance.
    So just start the music
    And give them a chance-
    Let’s have a big hand for the wonderful, marvelous.
    Super sensational, utterly fabulous.
    Talented Dancing Pants!

    I WON’T HATCH!
    Oh I am a chickie who lives in an egg.
    But I will not hatch, I will not hatch.
    The hens they all cackle, the roosters all beg,
    But I will not hatch, I will not hatch.
    For I hear all the talk of pollution and war
    As the people all shout and the airplanes roar.
    So I’m staying in here where it’s safe and it’s warm.
    And I WILL NOT HATCH!

    WITH HIS MOUTH FULL OF FOOD
    Milford Dupree, though he knew it was rude.
    Talked with his mouth full of food.
    He never would burp or walk out in the nude.
    But he talked with his mouth full of food.
    His mother said, “Milford, it’s crude and it’s lewd
    To talk with your mouth full of food.
    Why, even the milk cow who moo’d as she chewed
    Never moo’d with her mouth full of food.
    And the cuckoo would never have ever cuckoo’d
    If he coo’d with his mouth full of food.”
    His dad said, “Get married or go get tattooed.
    But don’t talk with your mouth full of food.
    If it was a crime, you would surely get sued
    If you talked with your mouth full of food.
    Why, just like an animal you should be zoo’d
    As you talk with your mouth full of food.
    For you know we’re all put in a terrible mood
    When you talk with your mouth full of food.”
    They pleaded and begged. He just giggled and chewed
    And laughed with his mouth full of food.
    And all they advised him he simply poo-poo’d,
    He poo-poo’d with his mouth full of food.
    So they sent for the gluer and had his mouth glued
    ‘Cause he talked with his mouth full of food.
    Now instead of “Good morning,” he says “Gnu murnood,
    I wun tuk win mny marf furu foog.”

    MY HOBBY
    When you spit from the twenty-sixth floor.
    And it floats on the breeze to the ground,
    Does it fall upon hats
    Or on white Persian cats
    Or on heads, with a pitty-pat sound?
    I used to think life was a bore.
    But I don’t feel that way anymore.
    As I count up the hits,
    As I smile as I sit.
    As I spit from the twenty-sixth floor.
    INSTRUCTIONS
    If you should ever choose
    To bathe an armadillo,
    Use one bar of soap
    And a whole lot of hope
    And seventy-two pads of Brillo.

    THE WORST
    When singing songs of scariness.
    Of bloodiness and hairyness,
    I feel obligated at this moment to remind you
    Of the most ferocious beast of all:
    Three thousand pounds and nine feet tall-
    The Glurpy Slurpy Skakagrall-
    Who’s standing right behind you.

    THE BAGPIPE WHO DIDN’T SAY NO
    It was nine o’clock at midnight at a quarter after three
    When a turtle met a bagpipe on