When You Were Older Read Online Free PDF

hell else, Russell? Who the hell else would I call you and say, “They found him” about?’
    True, it had been a dumb question. But this was a new side of her. There was no reason for her to speak in anger to me. Other than having just lost her husband. I decided to consider the circumstances and let it go by.
    ‘They actually found his body? I thought that was impossible under—’
    ‘He jumped.’
    I felt a pinching sensation at the very back of my tongue, on both sides, like a hit of lemon juice, and my stomach tipped dangerously. I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. I closed my eyes and tried not to see the image. The view I’d seen through my telescope two days earlier. Of course, that hadn’t been Jeff. At least, reason held that it hadn’t been. But it really didn’t matter. Because it had been somebody.
    ‘When are you coming back?’ Kerry asked, a needy, gaping black hole in her voice that I’d never heard before. Then again, these were remarkable times.
    ‘I haven’t even gotten there yet.’
    ‘But … what do you think? How long do you think you’ll have to stay?’
    ‘I have no idea.’
    ‘It takes, like … what? Five days or so to plan a funeral?’
    ‘Kerry. I haven’t even figured out who’s going to take care of Ben.’
    That was a lie. Actually. I had. I’d figured out that I was the only candidate.
    ‘I need you here,’ she said, breaking down.
    My heart went out to her … then turned and ran like a spooked coyote.
    I glanced at the driver in my peripheral vision. That was why I hadn’t wanted it to be Kerry. That was why I hadn’t wanted to take the call.
    Well. One of the reasons.
    ‘Can we talk about this later?’
    ‘What’s going on there, Russell?’ Between sobs.
    ‘Nothing. Really. I just got a ride. This nice gentleman is driving me through Indiana—’
    ‘Illinois,’ the nice gentleman said. In case there was any doubt as to whether he was listening. How could he not hear, though? It was the front seat of a goddamn car.
    ‘Illinois. And I would just feel better if we could talk later, in private.’
    ‘This feels bad, Russell. What’re you saying? You’re coming back, right?’
    ‘I’d rather talk about this later.’
    ‘I’m going to see you again, right? Because I’ve got nothing here. I lost everything, Russell. You’re coming back. Right?’
    I swallowed a little of the flannel in my mouth with great effort. The silence lasted too long, and we both knew it.
    ‘He was my best friend, Kerry.’
    ‘What are you saying?’
    ‘Not over his dead body. You know.’
    ‘I think I’m going to be sick,’ she said.
    And, though it’s strange to report, I sat still in the car, my cell phone to my ear, realizing I didn’t know this woman at all. Realizing that the phenomenon of attraction – all attraction, not just mine – is a form of illusion. Under the illusion lies a real person. But which one? What person? That’s the part you don’t get to know. Until it’s too late.
    ‘I’ll call you when I’m in-between rides. Do you have anybody you can call? Anybody who can be with you?’
    A couple of loud sniffles. ‘I could call my mother. See if she’s home.’
    ‘You called me before you called your mother?’
    ‘I thought …’
    ‘Never mind. I’ll call you as soon as I can.’
    I flipped the phone closed. Awkward silence.
    What exactly do you say to a stranger who just overheard all that? What does he say to you?
    Apparently nothing.
    ‘You got quiet,’ I said after a while.
    ‘It’s none of my business,’ he said.
    I watched the sky lightening.
    ‘I guess I should’ve let that go to voicemail.’
    ‘I could be wrong,’ he said, ‘and if I’m wrong I apologize. And even if I’m right, I know it’s none of my business. But it’s sounding like you were having an affair with your best friend’s wife. And I don’t know what to say to a man like that. Even if it
is
none of my business. It sort of found its way into