When the Doves Disappeared Read Online Free PDF

Roland’s bookish cousin, not until Rosalie told her that he wasn’t quite as bloodless as he seemed at first glance. He was going to be a pilot. Juudit had read The Red Baron , and everything she asked him about or wondered over excited the boy in a way that charmed her, and they had many ardent discussions about Manfred von Richthofen. There was something so strange and passionate in his enthusiasm, and Juudit didn’t doubt her choice at all, didn’t doubt that her place was in the stands as he executed an Immelmann turn in the air show. Rosalie praised the match, and Juudit praised Rosalie’s. They considered themselves lucky. In hisletters, Juudit’s betrothed promised to fly her to Paris and London. They both wanted to travel, to see the world. The idea of nothing but air under her feet frightened her, but it was worth it to see the expressions on her girlfriends’ faces when she told them she was going to be a pilot’s wife, a woman of the world, going to buy her gloves in Paris, where the salesgirls shook powder into them before they tried them on your hands. One day her husband might even be in a newsreel, and the audience would sit there thrilled, sighing, some of the women’s hearts skipping a beat. Sometimes it baffled her that a man with such an exciting future was interested in her, of all people, and when they became engaged, he kissed her on the forehead, and she felt a heat inside her so intense that she couldn’t imagine ever having relations with anyone else. And then there were no relations.
    Finally she worked up the courage to ask her married girlfriends about intimate matters. She didn’t dare ask Rosalie. Rosalie was still collecting her trousseau and the Simsons were preparing for the young bride to arrive. In spite of the sparks that flew between Roland and Rosalie, the two weren’t in a hurry to walk down the aisle. They wanted everything to be just right. But once Juudit was married, her heart wasn’t in it anymore when Rosalie wanted to talk about her wedding plans. The two of them used to always be talking about wedding hairdos and bridal bouquets, pondering the time when they would both be wives, their letters flying between the Armses’ farm and Juudit’s apartment in Tallinn. Juudit made Rosalie swear that they would take their husbands to Haapsalu and take mud baths together at the spa and try to coax the two men into getting along better—not that there was any trouble between them, but it would be nice if the two of them were friends. After all, they grew up together, so why couldn’t they be just as close as Juudit and Rosalie? At first Rosalie thought that taking a Singer sewing class would be more suitable for a housewife, but then she agreed that maybe she could pay someone to take care of the house for a couple of days, long enough to take a trip, and they could spend time together as two couples. There was always so much work to do in the countryside, you never had time to just visit. Rosalie finally decided that Juudit’s scheme was a good one, but after her honeymoon, Juudit gave up the idea. She was sure Rosalie would see right through her, see that her marriage was a lie, and Juudit didn’t know howto explain it to her. How could she tell Rosalie that marriage had marked her as inadequate? Rosalie wouldn’t understand. She wouldn’t believe it. No one would.
    Juudit didn’t know where to turn. She searched the Housewife’s Handbook she’d been given as a wedding gift. Under “marriage,” there was a reference to difficulties that occurred during sexual intercourse. Under S , she also found “sexual frigidity,” and an explanation that it usually happened for personal reasons—fear of pain, disgust toward one’s partner, or painful memories. She could tell that the passage wasn’t talking about men, just women. So it was her fault. Many of her married friends said that their husbands seemed to never get enough. One of them talked about tightness.