What Happens Now Read Online Free PDF

didn’t, and also because I had no idea why.
    “I’ve worked hard this year,” I finally said, then realized I had to clarify. “Worked hard at feeling better.”
    “We know you have,” Mom said, dipping into a whisper.
    “Better feels different. I feel different. I am different. So I want to be somewhere different this summer, doing something different.”
    That word, suddenly stuck on a loop in my head.
    “The B&B is all strangers just passing through,” I continued. “Nobody knows me, and they don’t know about . . . my history. It’s kind of a way for me to start fresh.”
    I forced myself to shut up at that point. I’d already given away all the raw honesty I could spare.
    Mom’s face softened. Her frown lines seemed uprooted for a moment, not sure where to go.
    “Oh, Ari,” she said, my name catching on its way out of her mouth.
    The change in her tone was enough to make Dani stop coloring and look up, to examine Mom for signs of Mom-ness.
    “You don’t notice it,” I said, “but I do. The way people stilllook at me, or at these.” I offered my forearm.
    “I get it.” She held up a hand for me to halt. It was almost comical, how squeamish this particular RN was about these particular scars.
    “I can make do without her,” volunteered Richard. “But it’s your call.” He always backed away from the tough stuff. He knew where Mom had jurisdiction.
    Mom took a deep breath in, then out, as we waited. Finally she said, “I hate the idea of you driving all the way to the River’s Edge. That’s a busy road, lots of traffic in the summer. What if you can’t make it in time to pick up Dani from camp? At least at the store, you know you’ll never get stuck there.” She paused. “And really, Ari, you can’t run away from your problems. There must be other ways to ‘start fresh,’ as you say.”
    “There aren’t. I’ve looked.”
    “Keep looking. You can find them. I know you can.”
    I felt my throat close up. She did this, my mom. She made assumptions about what I was capable of, what I could handle. I knew she was trying to lift me up, but it only felt like more pressure at a time when I didn’t need more pressure.
    Suddenly I was climbing over Dani—her black crayon scraped my leg—and rushing out the door to the street. I may have said, “Excuse me,” at some point, but I wasn’t sure to whom, or why.
    I sat down on a bench outside the restaurant, grabbed my head with my hands, looked at the purple of my boots againstthe pavement. What would Satina do right here? Would she go back in and fight for her cause with a perfectly articulated speech?
    The front door swung open, and I saw my mother’s sandals appear on the sidewalk. Then Dani’s sequined Mary Janes next to them. A cheap shot that Mom would bring Dani, or more likely, let her follow. Like she’d lawyered up. It was always harder for me to lose it around Dani, which was, you know, both good and bad.
    “My problems,” I said.
    “What?” asked Mom.
    “You said my problems . Call it depression, Mom. It’s not like pneumonia or Lyme disease, the stuff you help people with. You don’t have a case of it, then get cured.”
    It haunts you , I wanted to add. Like a ghost that refuses to move out of the only house it’s ever known.
    Silence. Mom sank down onto the bench and said, “I know about depression, Ari.” Her voice was heavy and even, laced thick with extra meaning. I knew she knew. I’d been there when she went through it, but we never talked about that.
    “I’m sorry,” I said to her. Or to myself. Or to the wood on the bench beneath me, where someone had pen-carved I love u JP u so HOT.
    “I just need things to go smoothly this summer,” said Mom. “My job, you know. I love it. But it’s tough, Ari. Really tough. What makes it easier is knowing I can count on you.”
    “You can,” I said, and meant it. I couldn’t not mean it.
    “Also, I like the idea of you working with Richard. So he can . .