What Can I Do When Everything's On Fire?: A Novel Read Online Free PDF

inattentive and few, my father and I accompanied the casket, he was wearing pants fortunately and didn’t have any polish on his nails, almost a man except for some vestiges of a clown on his eyebrows, from last night’s show, my mother pointing it out to him with her finger
    we had a crystal lamp with a painted shade
    —Who is she, don’t lie
    words in the mirror in front of his mouth, the light of the lamp on the most expensive, prettiest wardrobe, like a trim or a caprice, broken garlands of flowers in a lilac fringe, fell onto his reflection soundlessly and as it fell, an eternity followed
    —Who is she, don’t lie
    a storm of flashes, congealed time waiting, the horses in suspense despite the whip, a wave reaching out its arms along the beach and gathering debris
    I was a piece of debris, take me with you, not these baskets, not these algae, me
    my mother
    —Get away Paulo
    throwing the pieces into the pail, reliefs, that ruffled part
    hand-painted they told me
    —It was hand-painted keep away don’t touch it
    not throwing me away, my father was washing his face in the basin, Dona Helena stopping her cooking
    —Throw you away, Son?
    she called me son, see? she called me son
    she smelled of fried food, starch, goodness, I could go to sleep on her lap, Mr. Couceiro after hesitating put a finger to my forehead, his cane idly tapping
    —Have you got a fever?
    their wardrobe never bothered me, a large, benign mirror, with the whole room inside it, the mirror on the dressing table in front and three Dona Helenas, three of me, three Mr. Couceiros, corporals in the Timor rice paddies, leave your finger on my forehead, it doesn’t bother me, I like it, Dona Helena
    —Don’t frighten him be careful
    I let him take off his earrings, change the position of his hairpins, when they brought me in, the doctor spoke to Mr. Couceiro, while the paramedic released my wrists, cramps from a lack of heroin, my father dead and even so laughter
    laughter
    explaining to me that if I didn’t laugh, if I didn’t keep on laughing
    —I need to laugh so much, do you understand? I need to laugh doctor
    the doctor to Mr. Couceiro
    —Is he your grandson?
    Paulo leaning on the coffin of his own father how awful on the coffin of his own father between embracing him and rejec…
    the light on the roof of the ambulance was swinging from wall to wall
    —Paulo
    I stole money from Dona Helena and Dona Helena didn’t report me, I broke open the strongbox with the Minho chains and not a single earring, clasps and powder on it so she could tell if someone had been stealing, asking for a loan in her name at the grocery store, at the butcher’s, the grocer gripping his broom
    he didn’t hit me
    —Get out of my sight you little sneak thief
    making more holes in my belt because the pants are too big and Dona Helena soup, quinine extract, syrups
    —Take your tonic, Paulo
    put your finger on my forehead, Mr. Couceiro, while you keep it on my forehead the cramps grow less, all those needle marks on my arms, the hard, black veins, they’re not arms, they’re tree branches, I’m a bush, Dona Helena, my gums are dissolving, I hide my missing teeth with my lips, the ashtray on the doctor’s desk, desperate, anxious
    —Break me now
    while the light on the ambulance obliged him to exist, I sold the wall clock and from Dona Helena not a word, from Mr. Couceiro
    — Is he your grandson?
    not a word, the naked hook accusing me, a second hook on the left, the cane looking as though it was going to move but not angry at all
    for God’s sake get mad, shout, get mad at me
    Dona Helena held him back with her eyes
    —Jaime
    Jaime Couceiro Marques
    she pulled out the hook so it wouldn’t accuse me, facing me at dinner time, Mr. Couceiro in his easy chair, Dona Helena in the cotton velvet upright chair, sometimes I’d find her in the kitchen putting the touch of a smile over a mask of pain
    —It’ll go away
    the smile was smaller than the mask as could