Vurt 3 - Automated Alice Read Online Free PDF

jelly.”
    Finally, Alice got round to asking the Captain what a Civil Serpent was.
    “Those tightly knotted buffoons!” grunted the Badger-man in reply. “The Civil Serpents are these hideous snakes that writhe around all day in the Town Hall, making up all these petty laws against nature. Nature, of course, follows her own laws, and these are the laws of Randomology, as worked out by yours truly. The Civil Serpents regard me as a trouble-maker, as though I make the trouble! No, no: the Universe makes the trouble; I'm just the watcher of the trouble. And this is why they're claiming the good Captain Ramshackle is guilty of the Jigsaw Murder.”
    “Has somebody been murdering jigsaws?”
    “Silly, silly, silly! It's a murder by jigsaw. Not by jigglesaurus, mind. I mean, what interest have I in jigsaws? Those perfectly logical, slotting-together pictures? No indeed, jigsaws bore me to tears. Oh, those slithering oafs! Civil! I'll give those serpents civil! And they're claiming that I killed the Spider boy. Spidercide? Me? How could I possibly. . . why I love spiders!” At this moment Captain Ramshackle looked over to a (quite fearsomely large!) stuffed and mounted example of the arachnid species that rested amongst his miscellaneous objects. “Well, never you mind the details, Alice. Suffice it to say that I, the Captain of Ramshackle, am totally incapable of such a crime. Oh, I feel so ostracized!”
    “You feel so ostrich-sized?” asked Alice.
    “Not at all!” cried Ramshackle. “It's the Serpents who have buried their heads in the sand, not me. Surely you must see, Alice, that I couldn't possibly kill a spider?”
    Alice accepted that fact quite easily, having witnessed the Badgerman's bristling indignation at such close quarters, not to mention the fresh cloud of talcum that billowed loose from his hair. (Oh dear, I just said I wasn't going to mention the cloud of talcum powder, only to find that I already have mentioned it. I must be getting rather tired in my old age, Alice. In fact, I do believe that I will take to my bed now, because it is getting rather late, and this is quite enough writing for one day. I will see you in the morning, dear sweet girl . . .)
    Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
    (There, that's better. Now then, where was I?) Oh yes; Alice tried her best to calm Captain Ramshackle down by asking for an explanation of what, exactly, a wurm (with a U in it) was.
    “The science of Randomology”, the Captain began, clearly relieved to have the subject changed, “states that a wurm is a parasite who likes to make a stolen home in a computermite mound. Once settled there the wurm does its very best to make the termites give the wrong answers. The Civil Serpents, of course, think that wurms are a pest to the orderly system; they try to kill the wurms. But I, Captain Ramshackle, inventor of Randomology, would like to invite the wurms into my mound. And you know something, Alice. . .?” And here the Captain looked around from side to side nervously and then bowed his head close to Alice's ear in order to whisper, “Some people actually eat the wurms.”
    “Eat worms!” Alice exclaimed, quite forgetting the incorrect spelling.
    “Wurms, Alice. W. . .u. . . r. . . m. . . s! Some people eat them.”
    “But that's. . . that's. . . that's disgusting! Whatever for?!”
    “It makes you go crazy, of course.”
    “But why would you want to go crazy? Why that's. . . that's crazy!”
    “Exactly so, Alice! Knowledge through nonsense. That's my motto. I welcome the wrong answers! Would you like to hear a song I've written about it? It's called 'Trouser Cup'.”
    “Don't you mean trouser cuff?”
    “What in the randomness is a trouser cuff?”
    “Isn't it a kind of trouser turn-up --”
    “A trouser turnip!” bellowed the Captain. “There's no such vegetable!”
    “But there's also no such thing as a trouser cup,” protested Alice.
    “Exactly!” cried the Captain, upon which he commenced to make a