Venus on the Half-Shell Read Online Free PDF

negotiating for the reprinting of Venus on the Half-Shell. If the arrangements are satisfactory to both parties, the general public will have, for the first time, a chance to read a novel by Kilgore Trout.
    The following is a list of the known titles of the one-hundred-and-seventeen novels and two thousand short stories written by Trout. It’s a tragically short list, and it can only be lengthened if Troutophiles make a diligent search through secondhand bookstores and porno shops for the missing works.
    NOVELS
    The Gutless Wonder (1932)
    2BR02B
    Venus on the Half-Shell
    Oh Say Can You Smell?
    The First District Court of Thankyou
    Pan-Galactic Three-Day Pass
    Maniacs in the Fourth Dimension (1948)
    The Gospel from Outer Space
    The Big Board
    Pan-Galactic Straw-boss ( Mouth Crazy )
    Plague on Wheels
    Now It Can Be Told
    The Son of Jimmy Valentine
    How You Doin’?
    The Smart Bunny
    The Pan-Galactic Memory Bank
    SHORT STORIES
    The Dancing Fool (April 1962 issue of Black Garterbelt, a magazine published by World Classics Library)
    This Means You
    Gilgongo!
    Hail to the Chief
    The Baring-gaffner of Bagnialto or This Year’s Masterpiece
    (Author’s Note: Since this was first written, Mr. Vonnegut’s novel Jailbird has come out. In this Mr. Vonnegut claims that it was not Trout but another man who wrote the works which Vonnegut hitherto had claimed to be Trout’s. Nobody believes this disclaimer, but the reasons for it have been the subject of much speculation. Several people have wondered why the initial letter of the surname of the man Mr. Vonnegut claims is the real Trout is also mine. Is Mr. Vonnegut obliquely pointing his finger at me?
    I really don’t know. In one of many senses, or perhaps two or three, I am Kilgore Trout. But then the same could be said of at least fifty science fiction writers.)

1
THE LEGEND OF THE SPACE WANDERER
    Go, traveler.
    Go anywhere. The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest. No matter. Wherever you land, you’ll hear of Simon Wagstaff, the Space Wanderer.
    Even on planets where he has never appeared, his story is sung in ballads and told in spaceport taverns. Legend and folklore have made him a popular figure throughout the ten billion inhabitable planets, and he is the hero of TV series on at least a million, according to the latest count.
    The Space Wanderer is an Earthman who never grows old. He wears Levis and a shabby gray sweater with brown leather elbow patches. On its front is a huge monogram: SW. He has a black patch over his left eye. He always carries an atomicpowered electrical banjo. He has three constant companions: a dog, an owl, and a female robot. He’s a sociable gentle creature who never refuses an autograph. His only fault, and it’s a terrible one, is that he asks questions no one can answer. At least, he did up to a thousand years ago, when he disappeared.
    This is the story of his quest and why he is no longer seen in the known cosmos.
    Oh, yes, he also suffers from an old wound in his posterior and thus can’t sit down long. Once, he was asked how it felt to be ageless.
    He replied, “Immortality is a pain in the ass.”

2
IT ALWAYS RAINS ON PICNICS
    Making love on a picnic is nothing new. But this was on top of the head of the Sphinx of Giza.
    Simon Wagstaff was not enjoying it one hundred percent. Ants, always present at any outdoor picnic anywhere, were climbing up his legs and buttocks. One had even gotten caught where nobody but Simon had any business being. It must have thought it had fallen down between the piston and cylinder of an old-fashioned automobile motor.
    Simon was persevering, however. After a while, he and his fiancée rolled over and lay panting and staring up at the Egyptian sky.
    “That was good, wasn’t it?” Ramona Uhuru said.
    “It certainly wasn’t run of the mill,” Simon said. “Come on. We’d better get our clothes on before some tourists come up here.”
    Simon stood up and put on his black Levis, baggy gray