Valentine Present and Other Diabolical Liberties Read Online Free PDF

champagne glass.
          ‘When I get married I will hire a classy p-p-p- …’
          ‘Prostitute?’ I query. ‘Do you think Hamilton may know one?’
    Alistair glares at me.
          ‘Pub,’ he finishes. ‘There would be lots of tit-tit-tit- …’
          ‘Christ,’ moans Fiona.
          ‘I’m not even going to try to help him on that one,’ I say.
          ‘Tit-titbits. Nothing formal like this w-w-w- …’
          ‘Wanker,’ Fiona mumbles.
    I glance at the poker-faced waiter.
          ‘Sorry about this,’ I say. ‘He can’t help it, runs in the family you know.’
          ‘Harry shut up,’ hisses Fiona.
          ‘Wedding,’ finishes Alistair.
          ‘I’ll sue this bloody hire company,’ he moans as Hamilton fishes the button from his glass.
          ‘Is there any danger of you being naked by the time we get to dessert?’ I ask. ‘It’s just I would prefer not to be around.’
          ‘Oh dear,’ moans Fiona. ‘I think I’ve drunk too much.’
    I stand up and edge my way through the tables. I make my way to the foyer to see if there is any sign of Julian. This is ridiculous, is he bleeding walking here? Come to think of it, he most likely is if he was bombing it down the A40 in the Pooch. No way is my little car going to survive that thrashing. I try his phone again but it goes straight to voicemail.
          ‘Sorry,’ I say to Fiona, as I reluctantly return to my table. ‘I was desperate to phone Julian. I can’t think where he can be.’
          ‘Talking of desperation, Alistair tells me that money is a bit tight for you at the moment,’ pipes up Hamilton.
          ‘Excuse me?’ I say.
    What a git. Alistair, that is. I can’t turn my back for five minutes. Although this Hamilton is turning out to be a bit of one too isn’t he?
          ‘I could maybe help with that. I’ve got a proposition I’d like to offer that would be beneficial to both of us.’
    Well I never. My eyes widen and for a second I am at a loss for words, and let me tell you in the world of Harriet Lawson that rarely happens. I’ve never been propositioned by a millionaire in my life and I’m not starting now. Honestly these aristocrats, what bloody arrogance they have.
          ‘Thanks very much but I'm sure that whatever you have in your pants pales in comparison to the variety of battery operated boyfriends I have in my drawer at home, but thanks all the same.’
    He places his hand on my arm.
          ‘It’s not what you think.’
          ‘It never is. Amazing wedding this isn’t it? There seems to be a staggeringly high number of wankers present. Anyway, if you’ll excuse me I need to get back to my mansion where, amazingly, there will be another wanker awaiting me.’
          ‘I’m off,’ I say loudly.
          ‘I w-w-wondered what that smell was,’ says Alistair. ‘W-w-we all thought it was the bride.’
    He laughs at his own joke.
          ‘Why did you tell Hamilton-bloody-Lancaster that I was strapped for cash?’ I hiss.
          ‘I thought you c-c-c-could use the money.’
          ‘He just propositioned me,’ I say, glaring at Hamilton.
          ‘God Alistair,’ Fiona snarls, ‘what’s wrong with you these days?’
          ‘He needs a w-w-w- …’
          ‘Yes, well I don’t care how much he needs a wank I’m not giving it to him, no matter how much he’s offering. I’m leaving,’ I say, standing up.
          ‘Just a minute …’ says Hamilton, trying to grab my arm. I push his hand off and begin walking to the foyer.
          ‘Christ,’ gasps Fiona, ‘we’ll drive you home Harriet, won’t we Alistair?’
    Buggeration . I will murder Julian for not being here. What the hell is he playing at?

Chapter Four
     
     
          The closer we get to Marlborough Mansions the more my stomach knots. I had tried Julian’s mobile