Us and Uncle Fraud Read Online Free PDF Page B

disappeared upstairs, holding Stephie by the hand. I took my own plate to the sink, rinsed it, and started off after them. But I stopped in the hall when I overheard Mother speak in a soft, firm voice to my uncle.
    "Claude," she said, "don't you go filling their heads with nonsense."
    I could hear his chuckle, and the sound of liquid as he poured more coffee from the pot into his cup. "They are
born
with their heads full of nonsense," he said. "Don't you know that that's what distinguishes mankind from the animal world?"
    I could hear Mother sigh. "Claude," she said.
    "Just think about it. A cat—now a cat will go off to a corner of the garage and have its kittens. A dog gives birth to puppies under the porch, or on the floor of a closet, surrounded by wet galoshes. Am I right or am I wrong?"
    "You're right," Mother acknowledged.
    "Now why do you think a human being like yourself—when you're expecting a baby—and only one usually, mind you, not a litter—dashes off to a hospital to be surrounded by doctors and nurses and anesthesia? You did that, didn't you, when your children were born?"
    "Of course I did," Mother said. "It's safer. And easier."
    "Exactly," Claude announced triumphantly. "It is more difficult to give birth to a human child because a human child has a
large head.
Are you following me?"
    Mother started to laugh. "Yes," she said. "And the head is—"
    "Right! Large because it is cram-chock-full of nothing but
nonsense.
"
    "I don't think my children are filled with nonsense," Mother said a little defensively.
    "Look at your youngest," Claude said. "Look at Stephie."
    "All right. What about her? Stephanie's a sweet little girl."
    "Of course she is. But she's full of nonsense. The Easter Bunny. Her head is full of the Easter Bunny. She was born with the Easter Bunny in her head. Eventually you'll have to start replacing that. What are you going to replace it
with?
"
    Mother didn't answer. I could hear the clink of coffee cups.
    "Now," Claude said, as if he hadn't expected her to reply, "let's take a look at your oldest. Where
is
Tom, by the way?"
    "Down at the office with his father. Matt always works on Saturday, and Tom spends all his time with him, at the paper, when he's not in school. Now that's not nonsense, Claude. Tom is a nice boy. He's
a very responsible boy. He wants to be a newspaperman like his father."
    "My point exactly. There is not one iota of nonsense left in Tom's head. Somehow it was replaced with responsibility. Does Matt have any more bourbon hidden away, by any chance?"
    "No," Mother said. "It's the middle of the day, Claude, for heaven's sake."
    "No harm in asking. Now, where was I? Yes: Louise and Marcus."
    I cringed, standing there silently in the hall. I wasn't at all sure I wanted to hear myself discussed. But I stayed and listened.
    "What do you want for them?" Claude asked my mother.
    "I'm not sure what you mean," she said slowly. "I want the best for them, of course."
    "I know you do," Claude said. "And Hallie, don't you see what the best is? It's not newspapers. It's not this dull town by this tired river. Hallie, don't you remember when you and I were children?"
    She laughed. "Yes. You were full of nonsense, Claude, and you still are."
    "
Dreams
, Hallie. I was full of dreams."
    She was silent. Finally she said, "What have they brought you? Nothing."
    "Ah, Hallie, don't say that, not to me. I still pursue them. That's why I'm a traveling man—always will be. Nothing wrong with that."
    "No," she sighed, "I guess not. But I don't want you filling my children's heads with craziness, Claude."
    I could hear his chair scrape the floor as he pushed it back and stood up. "Dreams, Hallie. I'm simply putting dreams into their heads."
    I scampered silently up the stairs, out of sight, when I heard Claude's footsteps in the hall.

5
    Claude joined Marcus and me in my bedroom just as the clock in the hallway struck one. His suitcase was on the window seat, closed, and