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be. Unable to take the risk, she chose to
live with only one child, where there should have been two.
    Alex
listened patiently. “I’m sorry about your brother, too,” she said. She shook
her head. “So much loss.”
    I
nodded, feeling self-conscious after saying so much to a stranger. I pulled my nails
away from my mouth, grimaced as I noticed they were bleeding and clenched my
hands together.   What was the point
in coming if I didn’t say it?
    “And
I think I have a guardian angel,” I blurted.
    “I
see,” she said gently, leaning forward in her chair, hands clasped loosely in
front of her. “You mean your brother?”
    I
shook my head, heart still pounding at having said those words out loud. “No,
he’s not my brother.” I was sure of that. At different times in my life, I had
believed the man with the grey eyes might be connected to Jacob, but I knew he
was something different. Someone just for me.
      “Tell me more.”
    I
took a deep breath to steady my voice and steel my nerves. “I see him all the
time.” I closed my eyes, unsure of where to look. “He’s in my dreams...but I
see him when I’m awake too. When I run, it feels as if he’s right behind me,
but when I turn to look, there’s no one there. I’ve seen him at the library,
when I’m working. Sometimes I only catch a glimpse of him because he’s too far
away, but I know it’s him.”
    She
waited. Interested. Accepting.
      “Sometimes I pretend I don’t see him at
all, and I can’t be sure, but I think... I think I see him more often when I do
that.” I paused and then whispered, “He knows where I live.” My voice cracked a
little and I cleared my throat. “He was in the backyard last week, standing
under the big maple tree, looking up at my window. My lights were off so I...I
don’t think he could see me, but I’m sure he was there.”
    She
regarded me seriously, “Does he scare you?”
    I
squeezed my eyes closed trying to stop the tears I knew were gathering. I took
another deep breath. “I’m frightened by everything,” I managed. “By cars and
people and weather and the future...” I swallowed thickly over the lump in my
throat. “For the past five years I’ve been so afraid, all the time.”   I looked at her through my tears and
shook my head. “But I’m not afraid of him. Never him. He’s the safest thing I
know.”
    I
pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around my legs; let my tears
run their course.
    Nudging
the tissue box closer to me, Alex simply watched me and waited.
    “I’m
crazy, aren’t I?” I said finally, my voice muffled by my legs.
    Silence.
I looked up.
    “I
don’t think you’re crazy, Rachel. I think you believe someone is following you,
but I’m curious why you’re not scared. A lot of people would find the idea of
someone watching them really frightening.”
    I
shook my head. “It’s hard to explain. When I was a kid, he felt like a grown up
who was supposed to take care of me. Now that I’m older,” I paused, unsure of
how to explain something that I just knew, but didn’t know how. How could I
explain that he made me feel special? That if he existed, and I wasn’t crazy, then
somehow I knew he existed for me? I tried again. “Now that I’m older, he feels
more like a…friend. He’s trying to protect me, I think. But I’m not sure from
what.”
    “What
makes you think he’s protecting you?”
    Resting
my head on my knees, I tried to remember when I had first thought of him that
way.
    It
had been the day I was tearing up the soccer field. On that overcast Saturday
morning, the air soup thick, my legs pumped furiously as I tried to outrun the
stocky, red-haired boy beside me. A pint-sized pup compared to the bulldog he
would become, Greg made no effort to hide his disdain at having a girl on his
team, nor his belief that I was only there because my father was the coach.
Only ten years old, he already swaggered like he had something to offer the
other boys