Touching the Surface Read Online Free PDF Page B

the room was stronger. I could feel dozens of eyes boring into me. I didn’t want to know who was hunched over a dirty trashcan. I pictured the looks of disgust on everyone’s faces. Everyone would have seen what had happened in my Delve.
    With lids shut tight, I pulled my limbs in tighter. The silence was palpable. What do you say to the guy that you murdered? Are there words that could reach past the surface? I had ripped him away from his life. I opened my eyes and searched his face. We were nose to nose—he’d tipped over, mirroring my position on the floor. Oh God, he was smiling at me.
    He nodded matter-of-factly and said, “It’s okay.”
    What was he thinking? It could never be okay. Never. I’d killed him.
    I had two options. I could close my eyes again and spend all of eternity right where I was or I could lift up my head and meet the eyes of everyone else in the room. I could face the people who weren’t delusional like Oliver. I wasn’t fond of either option.
    “You’re all right, Elliot,” Mel said.
    It sounded like she was talking me down off the edge of a cliff. I wanted to believe her, but there was no way that anything could ever be all right again. Obviously there wasn’t a hell or I would’ve been magically transported there instantaneously. Or maybe this was hell. Maybe heaven was innocence, limbo was ignorance, and hell was fiery illumination.
    “Look at me, sweetheart,” Mel said. “Please.”
    I lifted my chin, letting her gaze at the disappointment of me. I was waiting for the ugliness I was feeling to make itself visible in the windows of her eyes. Beat after beat, my heart ticked off the seconds, and yet there was no disgust or hatred in her face. I didn’t deserve it, but I was grateful.
    “I’m bad, Mel. I’m really, really bad.” My voice quivered.
    “You’re not bad,” she said.
    “Okay—whatever—but what I did was horrible. Thoughtless.” Once again I could hear Julia talking about how I was self-absorbed. I shook my hand like there was still a cell phone in it I needed desperately to get rid of. “Did you—did you seehis mother? Oliver’s mom? Oh, I can’t . . .” I sat up but started to hyperventilate. Oliver gently tucked my head between my knees.
    “Elliot, you’re not bad, you’ve just been blindsided by your memories,” Mel said.
    “I can’t turn it off—the pictures in my head—it’s all I see now.” The acid from my stomach was rising up into my throat again. Everything was bitter and raw.
    I could feel Oliver’s hand resting lightly on my back. Part of me wanted to shake off the unbearable weight of him, but he was the only anchor I had. Without Oliver to ground me, I suspected that the rational part of me would take flight and disappear. It was tempting to fall apart, but something wouldn’t let me go there. Some primal defense mechanism kicked in. Wasn’t it human nature to blame someone else when things go wrong? Suddenly I felt pissed. Where was Julia? She should’ve been here. Friends shouldn’t be around for just the fun stuff. Best friends are supposed to be there for you when ugliness seeps out of your soul. I jumped to my feet. heading upasu
    Fired up, I dared Mel to really examine me.
    She spoke softly. “You’re not the first person to be overwhelmed by such strong memories. In fact, I’ve been here awhile and you know that Obmil time is a lot longer than regular time. I’ve seen my share. Shocking revelations are par for thecourse. That’s what happens here, although I will admit, you’re the first soul I’ve met whose memories couldn’t wait until you were settled in the Swing. So, while you may be a bit hasty in your approach,” she gave a tiny smile, “you’re not alone. I promise you won’t feel like this forever if you continue to Delve and try to see. The point isn’t just to learn about our past, it’s to learn from it.”
    I wanted to believe her. I could feel myself swaying, wanting to be convinced of