Then There Was You Read Online Free PDF Page B

first day back at work after being home with Alexis for nearly twelve weeks. I got zero sleep last night. I haven’t had time to pee since I got here because your daughter screamed her head off the entire ride home and didn’t stop until I popped a bottle in her mouth. I’ve had all of five minutes to take a breather. I haven’t even taken my heels off yet, and you’re asking me what’s for supper?”
    He threw his hands up in surrender. “Sorry. Geez. Who pissed in your cornflakes today?”
    “How about you try getting two hours of sleep every night for twelve weeks and see how well that works out for you. Oh, and then try going back to work full-time while you’re at it. Here.” I plopped Alexis into his arms and stomped up the stairs.
    He looked petrified as he cradled her in his arms. It was the first time I’d left him alone with Alexis since the day she’d been born. “What do you want me to do, Salem?”
    “Do whatever you want. I’m taking a bath,” I grumbled and stomped up the stairs. I didn’t get it. Graham was the smartest man I knew as far as investment banking was concerned. He was an analyst at a large firm and could prattle on about analyzing business plans and structuring low beta portfolios, but the idea of caring for his own infant daughter had him shaking in his suit.
    I escaped into my bathroom—my safe haven—with paper thin walls. I could already hear Alexis crying through the closed door. Oh god, she hates her life. She hates us. I’m her mom, but I think she hates me.
    I ran the bath water and splashed water onto my face to camouflage the tears. I thought I wanted to be a mother. It’s all I had ever wanted. I wanted to hold and snuggle a sweet baby in my arms, weeping tears of joy while my heart burst with pride and love. I had a fantasy of my husband and I working together to raise this perfect little miracle, taking turns changing diapers and trading nights of sleep. My experience was quite the opposite. I did most of the work myself while my husband sat at his computer, seemingly clueless about how to help and too self-absorbed to care. Most of the time, I held a hysterical, flailing baby in my arms, weeping tears of regret while my heart burst with resentment and guilt for feeling that way.
    I clicked the radio on in the bathroom and cranked the volume of the classic rock station until it almost hurt my ears. I just needed to drown out the crying, and at the moment I wasn’t sure if it was her crying or my own that I was trying to escape. I can’t do this, God. I’m not cut out to be a mother. I hate this whole parenting thing more than I’ve ever hated anything. I’m not who I thought I was. I’m not the woman I thought I’d be.
    It seemed like no matter how loud I turned the volume, I could still hear Alexis’s screams. I held my breath and slipped deeper into the steaming, hot water. My face was just barely below the surface, but the hollow sound in my ears from the pressure of the water soothed my frazzled nerves. I held my breath until my lungs burned for oxygen. The more my lungs burned, the more determined I was to hold my breath. I just need to drown out the crying a little bit longer.
    Just then, Graham burst through the door. I could hear his panic-filled, muffled voice under the water. “I don’t know what she wants. I can’t get her to stop crying.” I squeezed my eyes tighter. No, my nightmare hadn’t ended yet. I just needed to hold my breath a little longer. “Salem?”
    I didn’t answer.
    “Salem!” Graham reached down and grabbed my arm, pulling me out of the water. Instinctively, I gasped for air. “What the hell were you doing?” He glared at me.
    “Nothing. Just rinsing my hair,” I lied.
    Graham eyed me suspiciously, but didn’t say anything else about it. “Like I said, I can’t get her to stop crying.”
    I sighed. “Just put her in her swing. I’ll be down in a minute.”
    “Good. I’m going to grab a pizza. I’m