The Wilt Alternative Read Online Free PDF Page B

while his feelings were

expressing themselves in verse. Unlike most modern poets Wilt's verse was not free. It scanned

and rhymed. Or would have done if he could think of something that rhymed with Irmgard. About the

only word that sprang to mind was Lifeguard. After that there was yard, sparred, barred and lard.

None of them seemed to match the sensitivity of his feelings. After three fruitless miles he

turned back and trudged towards his responsibilities as a married man. Wilt didn't want

them.

Chapter 4
    He didn't much want what he found on his desk on Monday morning. It was a note from the

Vice-Principal asking Wilt to come and see him at, rather sinisterly, 'your earliest, repeat

earliest, convenience'.
    'Bugger my convenience,' muttered Wilt. 'Why can't he say "immediately" and be done with

it?'
    With the thought that something was amiss and that he might as well get the bad news over and

done with as quickly as possible, he went down two floors and along the corridor to the

Vice-Principal's office.
    'Ah Henry, I'm sorry to bother you like this,' said the Vice-Principal, 'but I'm afraid we've

had some rather disturbing news about your department.'
    'Disturbing?' said Wilt suspiciously.
    'Distinctly disturbing. In fact all hell has been let loose up at County Hall.'
    'What are they poking their noses into this time? If they think they can send any more

advisers like the last one we had who wanted to know why we didn't have combined classes of

bricklayers and nursery nurses so that there was sexual equality you can tell them from

me...'
    The Vice-Principal held up a protesting hand. 'That has nothing to do with what they want this

time. It's what they don't want. And, quite frankly, if you had listened to their advice about

multi-sexed classes this wouldn't have happened.'
    'I know what would have,' said Wilt. 'We'd have been landed with a lot of pregnant nannies and

'
    'If you would just listen a moment. Never mind nursery nurses. What do you know about

buggering crocodiles?'
    'What do I know about... did I hear you right?'
    The Vice-Principal nodded. 'I'm afraid so.'
    'Well if you want a frank answer I shouldn't have thought it was possible. And if you're

suggesting '
    'What I am telling you, Henry, is that someone in your department has been doing it. They've

even made a film of it.'
    'Film of it?' said Wilt, still grappling with the appalling zoological implications of even

approaching a crocodile, let alone buggering the brute.
    'With some apprentice class,' continued the Vice-Principal, 'and the Education Committee have

heard about it and want to know why.'
    'I can't say I blame them,' said Wilt, 'I mean you'd have to be a suicidal candidate for

Krafft-Ebing to proposition a fucking crocodile and while I know I've got some demented sods as

part-timers I'd have noticed if any of them had been eaten. Where the hell did he get the

crocodile from?'
    'No use asking me,' said the Vice-Principal. 'All I know is that the Committee insist on

seeing the film before passing judgement.'
    'Well they can pass what judgements they like,' said Wilt, just so long as they leave me out

of it. I accept no responsibility for any filming that's done in my department and if some maniac

chooses to screw a crocodile, that's his business, not mine. I never wanted all those TV cameras

and cines they foisted on to us. They cost a fortune to run and some damned fool is always

breaking the things.'
    'Whoever made this film should have been broken first if you ask me,' said the Vice-Principal.

'Anyway, the Committee want to see you in Room 80 at six and I'd advise you to find out what the

hell has been going on before they start asking you questions.'
    Wilt went wearily back to his office desperately trying to think which of the lecturers in his

department was a reptile-lover, a follower of nouvelle vague brutalism in films and clean off his

rocker. Pasco was undoubtedly