The Virgin Blue Read Online Free PDF Page B

liked her too much to be annoyed by her romantic notions, so I didn't mention the suspicion my colleagues and I were treated with by doctors, hospitals, insurance companies, even pregnant women. Nor did I bring up the sleepless nights, the blood, the trauma when something went wrong. Because it was a good job, and I hoped to be able to practise in France once I'd taken the required classes and exams.
The final project had an uncertain future, but it would certainly keep me busy when the time came. No one would have been surprised by it: I was twenty-eight, Rick and I had been married two years, and the pressure from everyone, ourselves included, was beginning to mount.
One night when we had lived in Lisle-sur-Tarn just a few weeks we went out to dinner at the one good restaurant in town. We talked idly – about Rick's work, my day – through the crudités, the pâté, trout from the Tarn and filet mignon. When the waiter brought Rick's crème brûlée and my tarte au citron I decided this was the moment to speak. I bit into the lemon slice garnish; my mouth puckered.
‘Rick,’ I began, setting down my fork.
‘Great brûlée ,’ he said. ‘Especially the brûléed part. Here, try some.’
‘No thanks. Look, I've been thinking about things.’
‘Ah, is this gonna be serious talk?’
At that moment a couple entered the restaurant and were seated at the table next to us. The woman's belly was just visible against her elegant black dress. Five months pregnant, I thought automatically, and carrying it very high.
I lowered my voice. ‘You know how every now and then we talk about having kids?’
‘You want to have kids now?’
‘Well, I was thinking about it.’
‘OK.’
‘OK what?’
‘OK let's do it.’
‘Just like that? “Let's do it”?’
‘Why not? We know we want them. Why agonize over it?’
I felt let down, though I knew Rick too well to be surprised by his attitude. He always made decisions quickly, even big ones, whereas I wanted the decisions to be more complicated.
‘I feel —’ I considered how to explain it. ‘It's kind of like a parachute jump. Remember when we did that last year? You're up in this tiny plane and you keep thinking, Two minutes till I can't say no anymore, One minute till I can't turn back, then, Here I am balancing by the door, but I can still say no. And then you jump and you can't get back in, no matter how you feel about the experience. That's how I feel now. I'm standing by the open door of the plane.’
‘I just remember that fantastic sensation of falling. And the beautiful view floating down. It was so quiet up there.’
I sucked at the inside of my cheek, then took a big bite of tart.
‘It's a big decision,’ I said with my mouth full.
‘A big decision made.’ Rick leaned over and kissed me. ‘Mmm, nice lemon.’
Later that night I slipped out of the house and went to the bridge. I could hear the river far below but it was too dark to see the water. I looked around; with no one in sight I pulled out a pack of contraceptive pills and began to push the tablets one by one out of their metal foil. They disappeared toward the water, tiny white flashes pinpointed in the dark for a second. After they were gone I leaned against the railing for a long time, willing myself to feel different.
Something did change that night. That night I had the dream for the first time. It began with flickering, a movement between dark and light. It wasn't black, it wasn't white; it was blue. I was dreaming in blue.
It moved like it was being buffeted by the wind, undulating toward me and away. It began to press into me, the pressure of water rather than stone. I could hear a voice chanting. Then I was reciting too, the words pouring from me. The other voice began to cry; then I was sobbing. I cried until I couldn't breathe. The pressure of the blue closed in around me. There was a great boom, like the sound of a heavy door falling into place, and the blue was replaced by a black so complete