The Velvet Rage Read Online Free PDF Page B

hostile to us.

    It’s not about how good or bad we are. It’s about the struggle so many of us have experienced growing up gay in a world that didn’t accept us, and the ongoing struggle as adult gay men to create lives that are happy, fulfilling, and ultimately free of shame.
    This life we created for ourselves—the one that we thought gay men were supposed to be enjoying—can be empty and unfulfilling. But we’re stuck in a role—a way of life—that is rooted in our shame and holds us back from creating the life we really want. Somewhere along the way, we picked up the idea that a happy gay man was one who had lots of sex and at least one handsome man on his arm at all times. Wherever this “ideal” of gay men is featured, such as in entertainment or advertising, they are depicted as handsome, muscular men who seem to have it all—sensitivity, stylish good looks, and a body that would drive Cleopatra and Marc Anthony wild with desire.
    â€œThe nurse asked me at the clinic how many sexual partners I’d had in the past year. It took me by surprise—do I tell the truth or lie? I told him about half a dozen, which is an out-and-out lie. I have no idea. The truth is, I really don’t want to think about it. I’m sure it’s somewhere in the dozens, if not more... ”
    KIRBY FROM DALLAS, TX
    Virtually all of gay culture is defined by sex and the pursuit of desire and beauty. Whether it’s a gay bar or a gay news magazine, the hard-driving, heart-pounding message of sex is omnipresent. And it’s not just sex—it’s toe-curling, mind-blowing, hard-body, all-night-long sex.
    Is this enough? I am a man. I need to be loved. I need to love myself. I need to feel strong and to cry. I need to feel alive and to grieve my losses. I need to know that there is someone in this world who truly loves me. I need to love someone. I need a safe,
stable, and committed home. Truth is, I need all these things much more than I need great sex.
    Even though we never talk about such things at the cocktail parties and catered affairs we attend, we crave it with a desire that we can barely conceal. Behind the façade, we are honestly and without reservation human. And it’s past time for us to realize that living the ideal gay life isn’t humane in the least.
    Remember when you first knew you were gay and imagined how your life would be? You probably imagined meeting a handsome fellow, falling madly in love, and living your lives together with a few dogs or, if you were really progressive, even children. You imagined your family would eventually accept your lover as a part of the family and you’d live happily together for a lifetime.
    â€œI never imagined that I would be single again at forty. This isn’t at all how I thought my life would turn out. I wasn’t like the others. . . I thought I’d find a good, stable lover and we’d be together forever. Now I’m not sure whether to crawl under a rock, get a face-lift, or take up bowling. I mean, how do you meet a nice guy?
    TOM FROM VANCOUVER, BC
    Okay, maybe that was just my fantasy. But I’ll bet anything that yours was equally rosy. Then, somewhere along the way, your dream died. A lover betrayed you. You couldn’t be faithful to one man. Boyfriend after boyfriend proved to be untrustworthy. The men you desired and loved disappointed you.
    What did you do? You went to the gym, to the bathhouse, to the bars, to the sex club, or maybe even tried to lose yourself in climbing the corporate ladder. You tried to convince yourself that you weren’t unhappy, just bored. Or maybe you just weren’t getting enough sex. Or maybe this time, after test-driving dozens of models, you’d find the right man for you. Who knows, maybe
Quentin Crisp’s “tall, dark man” was just around the corner—or maybe just in the next bed?
    But as dear Mr. Crisp reports, the tall,