The Unidentified Redhead (1) Read Online Free PDF

let go, to truly trust myself or whoever I was sharing a stage with. I had rare moments of honesty on stage, but they were so powerful and exhilarating that I quickly moved on to surer footing. I would transition into a punch line, or camp it up, taking myself out of the moment and back into what I knew. Be funny and beautiful, but not real.
    When I moved back home, I was mortified. I had failed for the first time in my life, really failed. I hated that, but not enough to fight for it. I continued to gain weight, and was almost unrecognizable to anyone who knew me. It happened over the course of several years, so I didn't notice how unraveled my life and its direction had become. I was lucky enough when I went back to school to find something that I was good at. Once I was finished with school for the second time, the jobs I was able to get afforded me the luxury of working from home and I cocooned there.
    Holly and I stayed in close contact, but rarely saw each other. I had a few friends that I spent time with, and while I went out on a few dates from time to time, there was no one special. For someone that had partied like a rock star and never wanted for male companionship, I had effectively shut down that part of my life. It was as if I was numb…down there. I'd had a highly charged sex life and a strong sexual appetite, but once I started to gain weight, I no longer had the desire. OK, strike that…I had the desire, but I was so reluctant to let anyone touch me. Over time, that part of me just went to sleep. I had become a shell of my former self and didn't even know it.
    Everything changed when my friends took me out for my birthday. I had stayed in contact with several of my girlfriends from high school, getting together for dinners and cocktails occasionally. They always made me tell them stories about the exciting life I had led in California, all eighteen months of it, and it was fun. There was still a little crazy left in me, and I let it out sometimes, albeit carefully. They had surprised me with tickets to see Rent, and while it had been years since I had seen a play or musical of any kind, I was touched that they would remember how much I had loved the Rent soundtrack. I had never actually seen the show and thought it would be an interesting night. Interesting did not even begin to describe it.
    From the moment I walked into the theater, from seeing the stage, to even finding our seats in the mezzanine, my skin was tingling. My senses were heightened, my breath was coming fast and I actually felt a little dizzy. Then the lights went out.
    There is a feeling, an electricity that happens in live theater. There is a connection between the actors and the audience that is palpable. When the lights came back up, I saw the band on stage and felt the music begin to move across me…I was overwhelmed. I tensed and when I recognized the opening song, I could feel tears beginning to form in my eyes. Before one note was sung, before one word was spoken, I was lost in the moment…and I began to cry.
    It was as though everything I had been missing in my life came into focus and I couldn't hide from it anymore. I clutched the armrest as silent sobs racked through my body. The tears were falling, but I was filled with such a sense of joy, of rapture, of belonging. I couldn't stop the smile that was stretching from ear to ear. It was magic. It was the closest to a religious experience that I had ever come. At one point, my friend to my left tried to ask me something, but I just shook my head. I couldn't take my eyes off the stage. I knew that this was what I was supposed to be doing with my life and I could not wait to start living again.
    After that night, it was like there was a hand pushing against my back, constantly keeping me moving forward. I went home, looked in the mirror and cried at what I saw. Not so much about the weight, but the woman looking back at me had none of the spark, none of the crazy that I used to love