The Ted Dreams Read Online Free PDF Page B

known in the tranquiliser world as SSRIs, serotonin re-uptake inhibitors, the world’s favourite pleasure enhancers, depression avoiders. It all figured. Take the pill and pass it on through the male ejaculate. Bond with him, lady – I love you – then melt: whatever you say, dear. Take the painting cheap. Take anything. Take everything. You want to hit me? Oh please, please do! This was the future, which the NSA, according to Cynara, was spending money bringing about. It was progress; it was bound to happen. I ate another couple of chips. Was it happening to me? The more sex, the more tranquillised I was? Addicted to Robbie? A Robbie on Doxies? At least he didn’t hit me.
    ‘Are lots of men on them?’ I asked. I hardly knew what else to say.
    ‘Good God no,’ she said. ‘They only go out to male agents on surveillance work. Really bad form on Robbie’s part, nicking them just to save himself a measly two thou. Portal Inc found out – I realised what had happened and told them: there was such a terrible row but what could I do? I was working for the NSA myself; I owed them something. You know they can trace practically every stolen artwork in the word? Good to have them on one’s side.’
    ‘I expect it is,’ I said, reeling. ‘Cynara, you did say something about me being important to the future. Little me. Why would that be?’
    ‘You’re such a little solipsist, darling,’ she complained. ‘It’s all me, me, me.’
    But she did consent to explain it was because telepaths were two a penny, so were mediums, but telekineticists were in short supply. I must have looked at her with blank astonishment.
    ‘Poor dear Ted always said you were in denial,’ she said. ‘The rest of us knew if you didn’t like a mug it just committed harakiri on the spot. Ted used to tell me and I told Robbie. It fascinated him.’
    ‘That’s just absurd,’ I said. ‘I once put a mug too near the edge of some shelf, and it juddered itself off, that’s all. We’re near the railway; the container trains are very heavy. The normal laws of physics apply.’
    But she wasn’t listening.
    ‘Whatever. It wasn’t just household crockery: you’d hear voices, see ghosts, there was always a parking space. Real witchy stuff. You and the paranormal are just like that.’ She entwined her fingers to make her point. ‘You were very close to Ted when he died. If anyone could get a genuine word from the other side it’d be you. And that’s what they’re after. They want the dead to start yielding up their secrets. I’m not saying they bumped Ted off just to try it out, but it wouldn’t surprise me. They Doxied Robbie up to the eyebrows and put him in to keep an eye on you. And they were right. It’s paying off. Last night you materialised a piece of mud from the other side. They’re very excited. Mud today, a revenant tomorrow.’
    She had moved her lovely head close to me. She was whispering in my ear. Her eyes were large and luminous, her breath smelt faintly of fish. I moved away. She was mad and it might be catching. I humoured her, even as I hated her.
    ‘But Cynara, why would “they” want to raise people from the dead? Do you mean your employers?’
    ‘Darling it isn’t just the NSA. It’s all of them. ADA, Nile, Gateway, LoveBill, Whispring, all the big boys, all in it together. They mean to live forever. Make Hell’s foundations quiver, the gates to fall, death to have no dominion. They’re very rich. What, have it all end in nothingness? Unacceptable! So now it’s all immortality, daily changes of blood, brain transplants, contacting the other side. String theory, white holes, oneirology, alternative universes – pursue the dead and the dreaming to the other side of the cosmos. They’re trying the lot. Millions, billions going into Portal Inc. They want a revenant to pick his brains, so how about fetching your Ted back from the dead. You’re the key. They need you.’
    I finished my chips.
    ‘Oh eat, eat,’