The Suicide Diary Read Online Free PDF Page B

hidden in the top shelf of my bedroom wardrobe. We worked out the mechanics of what was supposed to happen and it was nice to be held and told I was beautiful but it wasn’t really about the sex. He needed something to block out the pain and this was as good a distraction I could provide. Little did I know that many years later I would find myself wanting the same.
    It would have been nice to say he was my first love, but if I'm honest I knew even then that I didn't feel that way about Conor. Likewise, I doubt he felt anything more than affection for the girl who gave him her virginity to cheer him up. Afterwards we lay on the bed in silence. It wasn’t uncomfortable, just peaceful. He held my hand and I listened to his breathing until he finally fell asleep. From the dark purple shadows that showed under his eyes he obviously needed it so I lay by his side holding his hand until I was sure he was too deeply unconscious to be woken by my movements.
    I wasn’t embarrassed or sneaking out but something told me that he would want to be alone when he woke up. I left a scribbled note on his bedside cabinet ‘ Conor, I had to head home but you can call me when you want to. I think you should read your Mother’s words and I know it might seem like she never got to finish the notebook, maybe she was just leaving some room for you to write your own words. ’ I hesitated on how to end it since it was hardly a proper letter deserving of a grand finish but it seemed a bit sad looking with just two sentences on a piece of scrap paper so I signed ‘ Nina x ’ and left as quietly as I could.
    To his credit Conor called me later that evening and although my Mother was out, Joshua took great delight in announcing that ‘ a boy’ was on the phone for me.
    “Nina.” Conor sounded tired despite the sleep he’d had and his voice was husky as if he'd been crying so my guess about him needing to be alone when he woke was right.
    “Hey, I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you woke up.” I said.
    “You’ve nothing to apologise for, I’m the one that fell asleep. I just wanted to call and say…” he paused so I cut in.
    “I know.” I didn’t want him to thank me for what I’d done.
    “I was thinking maybe we could do something together. I mean other than ice skating, slush puppies and...and sex.” he replied.
    The last word hung there for a second before I finally answered. “Yeah sure, maybe a movie?” It was perfect since it involved sitting together in darkness watching a film so we couldn’t talk much and didn’t have to face each other.
    To this day, I’m still not sure what really made me want to sleep with Conor. I knew it wasn’t going to fix or stop his grief and I certainly didn’t see it as some great sacrifice or a means to keep him. To be honest how many of us can honestly claim our first time was for love? It's a romantic thought but there was no romance, it was unplanned and neither of us really knew what we were doing. So if it’s not for love or self-gratification, then what better reason to be with someone than to help distract them from their pain even just for a few hours.
    I knew no grief to compare to Conor’s since my mother had kept her pain well hidden on our account. My brother Joshua was too young to remember what it was like before our Father left and so didn’t know any different. I do, however, remember Matthew’s anger only too well, he once told me our Father’s only contribution to our family had been sperm donation. My Father hadn’t cheated on my Mother and he hadn’t treated us badly in the nine years I had known him at home nor had he left us in desperate poverty. He simply walked out one day, and from what little I know he’s not exactly living it up.
    The only other loss I'd suffered by that age was evident in the mini-graveyard in my mother’s garden, dedicated to the passing of all the goldfish I'd over fed. Whatever reason he had for being with me, I hoped it wasn’t