The Star Diaries Read Online Free PDF

galactic level, since what I had taken for a soft drink vending machine turned out to be the deputy chairman of the Rhohch delegation in full regalia. By a great stroke of luck the Rhohches happened to be the ones who had offered to sponsor our candidacy at the meeting, though I didn’t know this at the time, and when that high dignitary spat upon my boots I took it as a bad sign, while in fact it was only the aromatic secretion of his salutation glands. All this I understood after swallowing an informational-translational tablet handed me by some sympathetic UP official; immediately the jangling sounds around me changed in my ears to perfectly coherent words, the quadrangle of aluminum bowling pins at the end of the plush carpet became an honor guard, and the Rhohch that greeted me—till then looking more like a very large pretzel—seemed an old acquaintance, whose appearance was in no way unusual. But my nervousness remained. A small trundler pulled up, constructed especially for the conveyance of biped creatures such as myself; the Rhohch accompanying me squeezed in after me with difficulty and, taking a seat to the right as well as to the left of me, said:
    “Honorable Earthling, I must inform you that a slight procedural complication has taken place. The actual head-chairman of our delegation, the one most qualified to promote your candidacy, being a specialist-Earthist, was unfortunately recalled to the capital last night and I am supposed to replace him. You are familiar with the protocol?…”
    “No, I … I haven’t had the chance,” I muttered, trying without much success to make myself comfortable in the chair of the trundler, which had not been completely adapted to the needs of the human body. The seat was more like a steep pit, practically two feet deep, and on the bumps my knees touched my forehead.
    “Never mind, we’ll manage…” said the Rhohch. His flowing robe, pressed into rectangular shapes that glittered metallically—and which I had mistaken earlier for a refreshment stand—hummed softly as he cleared his throat and continued:
    “Of course I am acquainted with the history of your people, indeed to be so informed is one of my duties. And truly what a magnificent thing it is, this humanity! Our delegation will move (item number eighty-three on the agenda) that you be accepted as official members of the Assembly, with full rights and privileges accruing thereunto … you haven’t by any chance lost your certification papers, have you?!” he asked so suddenly that I jumped and strenuously shook my head. The roll of parchment in question, somewhat limp with sweat, was clutched in my right hand.
    “Good,” he said. “So then, yes, I shall deliver a speech depicting your great achievements, achievements which entitle you to take your rightful place in the Astral Federation… This is, you understand, a kind of ancient formality. I mean, you don’t anticipate any opposition … do you?”
    “I—well—no, I don’t think,” I mumbled,
    “Of course not! The very idea! So then, strictly a formality, nonetheless I will need certain information. Facts, you understand, details. Atomic energy, one may assume, you already have at your disposal?”
    “Oh yes! Yes!” I eagerly assured him,
    “Marvelous. But wait, ah, I have it right here, the head-chairman left me his notes, but his handwriting, h’m, well … and for how long have you availed yourselves of this energy?”
    “Since the sixth of August, 1945!”
    “Excellent. What was it? The first power plant?”
    “No,” I replied, feeling myself blush, “the first atomic bomb. It destroyed Hiroshima…”
    “Hiroshima? A meteor?”
    “Not a meteor … a city.”
    “A city…?” he said, uneasy, “In that case, h’m, how to put it…” he thought for a moment. “No, it’s best to say nothing,” he decided. “All right, fine, but I must have something to praise. Come now, think hard, we’ll be there any minute.”
    “Uh …