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sunlight, our faces blank with pain.
    Her words are whispered. ‘I know I didn’t ever put you first, Fern, and I’m sorry. Really I am. We never talked about his wife. He never apologised for it and I never tried to make him feel guilty. Not even when you came along.’
    I clear my throat and reach to pick up her glass and book. ‘Well, that’s a relief, just as long as he wasn’t made to feel bad.’
    If she’s bothered by my sarcasm she doesn’t show it. I haul her onto her feet and steady her across the lawn. Her body quivers beneath my grip and I pause by the oak. ‘Are you really sure you want me to do this, mum? It’s been a long time and things aren’t going to be the same.’
    She gropes with her good arm to pat the old tree and smiles, more at it than at me. ‘I want this. I’ll be fine, darling.’
    Tommy comes to the back door while I’m cooking dinner. I meet him on the step and give him a hug. He’s got a lot thinner but his arms around me feel as thick and ropey as they ever did. When I was young I used to be able to lace my fingers around one of his forearms and swing myself off the ground, and know that he would hold my weight.
    He kisses the top of my head and then steps away to look at me properly. ‘You look great, love, really well. I’m so glad you came back to look after your mum. How is she?’
    I steer him down the path a little way. ‘She’s having a nap at the moment. Do you want me to wake her?’
    He shakes his head. ‘No, leave her be. I just popped by to say hello and see how she is. How you both are. It’s been so long since you visited. Is it good to be home?’
    I grimace at him. ‘I wouldn’t go that far. It feels strange. Mum’s just the same though.’
    He laughs at that, but distractedly. ‘Do you think so? I’ve been worried about her for a while. She’s more absentminded these days. Seems to be collapsing the past into the present, forgetting herself.’
    â€˜It’s probably the drink,’ I say briskly. ‘Though she’s asked me to look for him. My dad. And I said I would.’ My voice is sharper than I intended. Challenging.
    He nods and looks away. ‘Maybe it’ll help her to know what happened.’
    We stand in silence for a while and I pity him his hopeless love for my mum. I’d always hoped she’d pity him too, turn to him for comfort and find some kind of contentment. But lukewarm loving never worked for her. And maybe the situation suits him too. Maybe, like her, he’d rather love a cipher, an absent figure, than sacrifice the dream to crinkled skin over the breakfast table and petty irritations.
    He hugs me again and makes to leave. ‘Didn’t I see you at the dock yesterday?’ he asks. ‘I’m sure it was you. Parked up on the headland at the beauty spot, looking out to sea through a pair of binoculars. I waved.’
    I shrug and look away. ‘Yes, it could have been me. I like to watch the ferries come in and out.’
    He raises my head with a hand under my chin and winks at me. ‘I’ll be back soon, kid. Give your mother my best. Look after her for me.’
    Mum and I spend the evening playing rummy and I pour her a few generous drinks, win every game. She shakes her head at me as I crow with triumph and scoop another pile of coins onto my lap.
    â€˜You should be ashamed of yourself, Fern. Taking advantage of my weakness.’
    I tip my head towards her near empty glass. ‘Another one?’
    â€˜Oh, yes please.’
    â€˜Okay, shuffle and deal and I’ll be back in a sec.’
    My legs and chest stop performing their usual functions just as I’m mixing the drinks and I’m on the floor and sobbing before I know what’s happened. I can barely breathe. I stretch out, kick the door closed, crawl under the table and surrender myself. I have no idea