The Outsider(S) Read Online Free PDF

remarks? I wonder but quickly banish the idea. It doesn’t fit the kind of a person I am. I am Öko , and that means that I not only care about eating healthy food but I am also alternative in my thinking. I care about the less fortunate in the society. The Turkish woman picks up a shiny dress. It is the kind of outfit I would never buy, mostly because my mother would throw a fit. ‘Such cheap clothes foreigners wear!’ My mother-in-law, on the other hand, would just make sure that it disappears. The Turkish woman tries to fit the dress on her daughter, who then squeals happily. I notice there and then that the twins are also dressed in shiny turquoise outfits. I am doing what I always do, comparing myself to the Turkish woman, and to my horror faring badly. She is wearing that long dress that Muslim women wear. Suddenly I am very envious of her. I wonder if she worries about gaining too much weight. Probably not. I wonder if she hates the fact that she is at the bottom of the social ladder. Probably not.
    I walk out. I cannot take any more of this. There is a lack of positive energy in the air. No, that’s not quite right. There is some kind of positive energy. Just the wrong kind. These people seem so content with their lives, which doesn’t quite make sense. I am miserable. I am deeply aware that by Western standards of success, I am a big failure. And it makes me miserable. Shouldn’t they be miserable as well?
    I end up at Engelhorn. Engelhorn is actually way above my budget. It is the kind of a place Irmtraut shops at. But maybe they have a summer sale as well. Just maybe I will be able to afford something this time. I smile at the thought of meeting Irmtraut while wearing something exactly like hers. Something that she also bought at Engelhorn. I can imagine her jaw dropping. No, I can imagine her thin lips tightening and the muscles on her neck suddenly protruding. Poor Ramona is not only in a happy marriage but now has enough money to live like me? No way!
    Engelhorn has that air. It oozes money. The people who shop there have a certain confidence. The confidence that money brings. The confidence that stops one from breaking into a panic when one’s credit card doesn’t go through. The knowledge that one can afford something.
    An assistant walks up to me. “Is everything all right?” she asks. I jump and grab my handbag tightly. I try to smile back and nod that I am fine. I feel singled out. I feel like she knows full well that I cannot afford to shop here. I shuffle my feet and move away to go up the escalators. I don’t look back until I reach the top, too scared that they will grab me and throw me out. At the top, I look back and watch the young assistant. She is talking to another client. Maybe she didn’t single me out after all.

Irmtraut
    Germany, 2009, Mother
    I was never a fan of holidays. Especially Christmas. Even in the shark kingdom, working during Christmas was abhorred. It was the one time you looked bad when you worked. Every single shark pretended to have a big loving family. The idea was to show the world that they were not just successful people professionally but also had loving relationships. They were well-adjusted, balanced people. Of course, everyone knew that this was quite often very far from the truth. However, everyone only knew their own story. No one knew for sure if their colleagues were loved by their families or not. Take my case, for example. Mother’s calls were sporadic. “Irmtraut, do you still jog alongside the Rhine?” she would ask urgently.
    “No. I don’t jog,” I would respond.
    “Oh.”
    “Why do you ask?” I would ask hopefully, hoping that she wouldn’t start something about Ramona and her lovely family.
    “A woman’s body was found floating on the Rhine. She looked like you. Not blond like Ramona…” she would finish, and anytime she did, I could feel the disappointment in her voice. Sometimes it changed to the Neckar or to some other river. One