The Last Testament: A Memoir Read Online Free PDF

thou already hast a basic understanding of the ninefold angelic hierarchy, and the Three Spheres, and the Three Orders within each Sphere, from having read Pseudo-Dionysius the Areopagite’s 5th century treatise De Coelesti Hierarchia in fifth grade;
9 Or, in more poorly-funded school districts, sixth grade.
10 Yet I would be remiss if I did not here acknowledge five angels, without whose dedication, hard work, and loyalty everything would still have happened, but not with the same bonhomie.
11 The first of these is Uriel; he is the wisest of my angels; the patron of poets, the guardian of thunder, a repentance whiz, and a great wordsmith; his collaboration with the prophet Ezra on The Second Book of Esdras is the reason that work was such an improvement over The First Book of Esdras, which was a piece of shit.
12 It was also Uriel who devised the idea for Kabbalah; so Madonna, next time thou addest up the numerical values of letters in the Torah, and useth the sums thereof to schedule thy body waxing, forgetteth not to thank Uriel.
13 Offer him a prayer, Madonna; yea, or something like it.
14 The second angel is Raphael; a healer of mind, body, and spirit; he is considered the patron of travelers, and sojourners to this day call upon him to protect them during their journeys, although that is not an excuse to lie out without sunscreen.
15 Raphael is also endowed with a dry wit that has proven of great comfort in those moments when my disposition waxes saturnine.
16 As an instance, I remember the council to determine whether to send the Black Death to the world; it was a long and sober discussion, until I turned to him, in his capacity as chief medical consultant, and asked how long the disease would take to kill its victims.
17 He looked at me with a face void of levity, and said, “My L ORD , they will go from coughin’ to coffin in three days.”
18 And there was great tittering, for a weight of gloom had been lifted from the deliberations; and our spirits were much lightened, as we set about killing one in every three Europeans.
19 The third angel is Michael, chief of the archangels, the angel of mercy and sanctification, and the commander of the Army of God; he is present on every battlefield, granting victory to the side of the righteous; “victory” in this case betokening a wide range of outcomes, from triumph to triumph-by-martyrdom.
20 Michael is often portrayed in art as androgynous, but he has asked me to tell thee that he is in fact “all man”; and that if thou couldst see clear to painting his jawbone a little squarer, he would greatly appreciate it; because some of the other angels tease him about it sometimes, and even in heaven, words do hurt.
21 The fourth angel and chief of all is Gabriel, my messenger of good tidings; it is he who came to Daniel to interpret his visions, and foretold the births of John the Baptist and Jesus, and first revealed the Koran to Muhammad, and oversaw the Flutie-to-Phelan Hail Mary that beat Miami in 1984.
22 (By the way, it is foolish to call such plays “Hail Marys,” for Mary has absolutely no interest in sports; indeed, if thou ever besought her aid on such a play on behalf of thy team, she would smile and say something like unto, “Okay, which color costume are they?”)
23 Collectively I affectionately refer to Uriel, Raphael, Michael, and Gabriel as my “Kids in the Halo”; for they are quick-witted and nimble-minded, and have over the eons not only provided invaluable service on behalf of God and man, but written much of my strongest material.
24 And the fifth and last angel I will mention is Lucifer.
25 More on him later.

CHAPTER 12
1 A s I busied myself with expanding my business, I left earth well enough alone; hopeful that the mere memory of the Flood would suffice to keep its people on the straight and narrow path of ceaselessly expressing their gratitude to me through the regular incineration of large farm animals.
2 Yet in this I was disappointed, and