The Intern's Handbook: A Thriller Read Online Free PDF

D.C. 20535
ALL INFORMATION HEREIN IS CLASSIFIED
SURVEILLANCE TRANSCRIPT: AUDIO RECORDING  —MOBILE PARABOLIC REFLECTOR MIC
    Location: Bull on Thames Pub, Central Park South, Manhattan
    Subjects: John Lago and Alice (censored).
SUBJECT ALICE IS SEATED AT THE BAR.
Lago:
Is this seat taken?
Alice:
Do people really say that anymore?
Lago:
I say it. But I say a lot of things people don’t say anymore.
Alice:
Really? Like what?
Lago:
For me, music will always be on an album.
Alice:
I like vinyl. Have a seat. What else you got?
Lago:
Truck versus SUV.
Alice:
Not bad. But that’s a little bit provincial. Give me a really good one and I’ll buy you a drink.
Lago:
One-night stand versus hookup.
Alice:
Mike! He’ll have what I’m having.
Lago:
What are you having?
Alice:
Wild Turkey. Neat.
Lago:
A highly underrated brand.
Alice:
And somewhat misunderstood.
SOUND OF GLASSES PLACED ON BAR.
Bartender:
Two middle fingers. Enjoy.
Alice:
Thanks, Mike.
PAUSE. LAGO COUGHS. ALICE LAUGHS.
Alice:
I’m Alice.
Lago:
John.
Alice:
You live around here? Wait, don’t tell me anything. Let’s just guess everything about each other. You game?
Lago:
Sure. Ladies first.
Alice:
Ladies first, huh? Definitely not from Manhattan.
Lago:
What makes you think—
Alice:
Stop! You’re going to give something away.
Lago:
All right. Carry on.
Alice:
I’m going to guess you’re from the Midwest but very well educated.
Lago:
And I’m going to guess you’re from the East Coast because you said I was from the Midwest BUT very well educated.
ALICE LAUGHS.
Alice:
I may be a snob, but guess what?
Lago:
What?
Alice:
I’m from the Midwest.
Lago:
Bullshit. You don’t have the ass for it.
SOUND OF ALICE HITTING LAGO.
Lago:
Ow! Damn! That was really . . . enthusiastic.
Alice:
You think that hurts? Keep talking about my ass, buster.
Lago:
Buster? You are from the Midwest. What are you doing in New York? Besides beating up dudes in bars?
Alice:
I came here for work. Finished law school recently. Go ahead. Get them out of your system.
Lago:
Get what out of my system?
Alice:
Lawyer jokes.
Lago:
I don’t know any.
Alice:
Bullshit.
Lago:
Not into them. Probably because I’m a lawyer too.
Alice:
No way.
Lago:
Way.
Alice:
What firm?
Lago:
[censored]. I’m just out of school as well, so I’m starting an internship there.
Alice:
Get out!
SOUND OF ALICE HITTING LAGO AGAIN. SOUND OF LAGO GROANING IN PAIN.
Lago:
Okay. That one really hurt.
Alice:
That’s my firm—where I work!
Lago:
Really? Cool. For how long?
Alice:
I’m actually just finishing the intern program. Hoping to get an associate job.
Lago:
Good luck. I hear getting hired . . . for actual money . . . is next to impossible for most people.
Alice:
True. But I’m not most people.
Lago:
I can see that.
Alice:
You want to see more?
Lago:
Meaning?
Alice:
I think you know what I mean, counselor. By the way, no one ever says “counselor.” That’s just a TV thing.
Lago:
I think I know what you mean, and if I’m right either you’re a serial killer or I have some great astrological shit happening right now.
Alice:
Maybe both. Come on.
Lago:
Uh . . . Maybe not.
Alice:
Don’t you want to be my next victim?
Lago:
As much as I’d love to say yes . . . we’re going to be working in the same office and . . .
Alice:
Okay, okay. Please stop. You’re killing my buzz, and I don’t handle rejection well.
Lago:
I’m not rejecting you.
Alice:
I’m offering and you’re saying no, right?
Lago:
Yes, but not “no” in the pejorative sense.
Alice:
You’re going to be a great lawyer.
Lago:
Wait. Finish your drink.
—END TRANSCRIPT—

6
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GET YOUR SHINE BOX
    M onday morning. It’s a brisk autumn day, my favorite time of the year. New York is spectacular. The summer garbage smell has finally drifted off to Europe via the Gulf Stream, replaced by the smell of wet leaves decomposing in the gutter. Sounds nasty, but it’s one of the best smells I can imagine. It’s musty, earthy, and it reminds