The Infernal Optimist Read Online Free PDF

cheeked it.’
    Ali tilted his head to one side. All him dreadlocks was hanging in the air. ‘Cheeked it?’ he asked.
    ‘You know, stuck down the back a me trackies into the place where the sun never shines.’
    He grinned in a way what made me think there be a misunderstanding.
    ‘I don’t mean all the way inside, I’m no poofter, wasn’t doing it for kicks. Just putting it where I could get a grip on it.’
    ‘Right.’ Ali giggled.
    ‘So. After me mum left, I headed to the gate, holding it in, walking like I’d just eaten a prune curry. They strip-searched us after Visits in prison. The screws made you take your pants down and everything, but from the look on me face and the way I was pinching me bum cheeks together, they told me to get to the crapper before I soiled something. I went to me crib, relaxed and down it dropped. I unwrapped it and— mate . Just what the doctor ordered.
    ‘I was mulling up when this guy Hadeon, a big-time dealer, came into me cell. You gotta pitcher Hadeon. He’s a Ukrainian with a face what looks like it was chopped outta clay with an axe. We called him the Hatchet. He had a criminal record longer than me arms, what you can see aren’t that long in factuality on a count a me being so short. But he’d been done for rape and assault and dealing heroin and evil shit like that, so you get the idea. This dude once argued with Hadeon over something stupid. The day after theargument, we was in the prison workshop when they called time for smoko. The dude what argued with Hadeon didn’t budge. We’re like, “Hey, dude, smoko, wakey wakey, hands off snakey”, but still no reaction. He sat staring straight ahead with a half-finished Qantas headset in his hands. It took a minute before we saw the screwdriver handle sticking outta the back of his head and the pool a blood on the floor. Everyone knew it had to be Hadeon but they wasn’t able to pin it on him. He was good mates with a blue, a bad muvvafucker just like himself, what people said helped him get rid a the evidence.’
    ‘That’s heavy shit,’ Ali said, making a face and shaking him dreddies.
    ‘Anyways, there I was, happy as Larry, rolling a fat spliff from the weed in the parcel, when it suddenly occurred to me that I had something what probably belonged to Hadeon. He was staring at me with them beady eyes what were cold and grey like dirty ice. I knew I had to act real cool, even though in factuality, I was shitting meself. “Where’d you get that?” Hadeon asked. He made his eyes even slittier, like he could see what was going on better that way.
    ‘“Mate,” I go. “You reckon you’re the only one who gets drops?” I made meself look real put down-upon. He looked hard at me, but I didn’t crack.
    ‘Finally he goes, “All right, all right.” Then I sold him some of his own dope.’
    Ali gave me a high-five. ‘Man, you’re bad.’
    I shrugged, like I be modest. ‘You gotta make the most a your opportunities—what be one a me Rules a Survival.’
    I was gonna explain more about me Rules a Survival when a phone call came through for Ali. I wandered out to find Azad. I found him at the fence between Stages Three and Two, talking to this skinny, sad-looking kid in a baseball cap on the other side. Azad was more excited than I ever seen him. ‘Hamid and I were together in Port Hedland,’ he explained to me. He introduced us, and turned back to Hamid. ‘I hoped you’d be Out by now, brother.’
    ‘Me too.’ Hamid spoke real soft. He was nineteen going on ninety, I swear. They kept talking, and every so often Hamid looked up at Azad, but most a the time he kept his head down and you couldn’t hardly see his face under the cap.
    ‘Hamid and I used to study English together eight hours a day when we first got to Australia,’ Azad told me. ‘Sometimes even nine or ten hours.’
    ‘No wonder youse both speak it so good,’ I said, what wasn’t just being polite. ‘Like natives, mate. Me, I never