The Idiot Girls' Action-Adventure Club Read Online Free PDF Page B

irresponsible I was. I couldn’t even take an old man to Safeway without hurting him and giving him road rash.
    Finally, when the entire backseat was so full that it was filled up nearly to the roof, Pop Pop got back in the car with a look of a man twenty years younger.
    “See?” he affirmed. “I told you! I told you! I prayed to God for bread, and he answered my prayers!”
    “But I ran you over and almost killed you because of the bread,” I replied.
    “Eh,” he sighed, “what the hell’s a little dirt?”
    I nodded. “Yeah,” I agreed, “but you better start praying again, and you better pray harder this time. Because when Nana sees what’s in the backseat, she’s going to kick your ass.”
    He just looked at me and laughed.

The Useless Black Bra
and the Stinkin’-Drunk
Twelve-Step Program
    Joel and I had driven down Eighty-sixth Street five times in succession. We were looking for Jeff and Jamie, our friends who we were supposed to follow and pick up after the Tally Ho, our favorite bar, had closed.
    They had left ten minutes before us, since both had decided to walk the half-mile back to Jeff’s house because they were so smashed that there was no way that either one of them could find the street, let alone drive their cars.
    Now they were nowhere in sight.
    Jamie had quit drinking a year ago to avoid all of the extremely embarrassing things she had done in public when her alter personality, Otis Campbell, took over. Tonight, Otis was back with a vengeance, his presence evident after she drank her first five beers. Before she had even set foot in the Tally Ho, her eyes had rolled back in her head, and she had already fallen out of her shoes a couple of times. We saw her grasping for the jukebox for stability as she swayed back and forth, trying hard to focus on something, plugging in quarters to play her favorite Gin Blossoms song, “Hey Jealousy.”
    As she hummed along, she explained to Joel that she had a Psychic Pregnancy lighter. If it lit, she was pregnant. If it only sparked, she wasn’t. She flicked the lighter, and it sparked.
    “My boyfriend doesn’t think he’s fertile,” she slurred, her eyes crossing. “But I tell him, ‘Shooting blanks makes just as much noise, baby.’ ”
    Even I gasped.
    But now, at 1:30 A.M., we couldn’t find her or Jeff.
    “At what point do we abandon the search and go home to finish getting drunk?” Joel wanted to know, since he had become quite tired of the whole escapade.
    In a matter of three minutes, however, Joel was going to understand that a drunk girl is never a pretty girl, even if her condition begs for the click of a camera. It was definitely worth his wait.
    There is a series of steps that a drinker takes to reach the pedestal of Stinkin’ Drunk, a chronological collection of actions that take place in order to fully guarantee that they will achieve the Full Fun Potential of the night.
    Fun-and-Frolic Jamie has graduated from this school with honors.
    THE STINKIN’-DRUNK TWELVE-STEP PROGRAM
    Step One: The Call of the Drink
    It beckons to you, you simply answer it. It sounds like a good idea, it feels right, but you decide you will not go too far.
    Step Two: Economics
    If funds are low, and you don’t have an entire paycheck to blow, you must decide whether to do the Poor Man’s Drunk (i.e., drinking on a completely empty stomach) or if there is some possibility that you can con others into providing for you.
    Step Three: The Suitable Drinking Partner
    Finding the appropriate person may sometimes prove a little difficult, but a sensible choice has no substitute. You must be careful not to choose a beginner, because you will inevitably end up taking care of them and wiping up body fluids, but you also must be careful not to choose someone who will be functioning well enough when you pass out to stick hot dogs down your pants or cement your eyes shut with toothpaste.
    Step Four: The Clink of the Ice, the Crack of the Tab
    The first sip that