The Green Red Green Read Online Free PDF

was a hit. Timing is everything. As we learned during that unfortunate accident during filming.
    Buster and the Fat Man
(1987–88). Thriller Productions. (Made for the Canadian cable TV channel Mystery Movies of the Week.) I moved behind the camera to try my hand at writing, directing,producing, set designing, costume designing, lighting, gripping, publicizing, and editing. Concept: a couple of wisecracking detectives walk a fine line between danger and comedy and justice. The Fat Man is an ex-cop and circus sword swallower. Buster is a former con, born in England, raised by wolves, now rebuilding his life. I reused a lot of footage from
Explosions!
and
Cars and Bikinis
. It was a great concept, lots of fun, but making the two lead characters Siamese twins was, in hindsight, a mistake. The titles of the four movies are
Dial 911 for Murder; Love, Larceny, and Larry; The Maltese Possum;
and
Murder Most Lousy
. These movies can still be seen in reruns at my house when there’s nothing else on and I’m feeling sorry for myself.
    Acid Rain! What Acid Rain?
(1988). The Association of Canadian Mining Corporations. 22 minutes. Another educational film I made on behalf of some very big companies. During filming, I learned a whole bunch of stuff about the environment I didn’t know before. The upbeat message of this film is that Mother Nature is a lot more resilient than we think.
HOW TO CREATE THREE CHARMING DECORATOR ACCENTS FROM STUFF YOU’D NORMALLY THROW OUT
Bowling Ball Flowerpot
    Got an old bowling ball that’s dented or broken or always flies into the gutter for some reason? Don’t toss it. Turn it into a lovely ebony flower holder.
    How? Clamp the ball in a large vise so the finger holes face down. Sand the top side of the ball until it’s somewhat flat. Removefrom vise. Turn the ball over so it rests on its flat surface. Put flowers in the finger holes. (Drill more holes for a fuller bouquet.)
Baby Playpen Wine Rack
    Have your babies grown up and reached drinking age? Don’t throw out their old playpen, because your kids’ll probably get married, have nine kids of their own, become unemployed, and announce they’re moving back into your home.
    If you get lucky and they don’t move back, why not turn that playpen into a lovely wine rack? After all, with the kids gone, you can afford some nice wine.
    How? Disassemble the playpen, making sure not to wreck the four sides. Take two sides and lay one on top of the other, at right angles, so that the posts form a cross pattern. Screw, nail, glue, or—better still—duct-tape the two sides together. Repeat with the remaining two sides. Join them with short lengths of wood. And you’ve got a wine rack! Now stock it with baby bottles filled with homemade beer. Then when you’re thirsty, grab a bottle and suck on the nipple. Is that heaven or what?
Steam Rad Circus Calliope
    When you convert your house from hot-water radiators to forced-air gas, save a couple of those old iron rads. They’ll make a great steam calliope, like the ones the old circuses used to have before they all went bankrupt.
    How? I’m not sure. Our house has electric baseboard heaters. But it shouldn’t be hard.
THE JOY OF MIDDLE AGE
    I want to talk to all you middle-aged guys about the fading urges, the sense that you are maybe not the passionate lover you once were—at least the way you tell it.
    First of all, the fact that you’ve changed from a young stag who is eager to rut into an old drag who’s stuck in a rut is a good thing. There is less chance you’ll become a father at a time when you no longer have the patience or the energy or the brain power to, say, help with homework.
    Another upside to the loss of your sex drive is that once or twice a week, for a few fleeting minutes, you’ll actually be able to concentrate on other stuff, like, say, your job.
    So accept the declining desire. Your wife is probably just as happy to read in bed and you get to watch all the hockey games, even if