The Girl With No Past Read Online Free PDF Page B

the subject so I tried to dismiss it. ‘I’ll just see what happens,’ I told her. ‘There’s no point getting carried away, is there?’
    I could tell she was disappointed, but Dr Redfield was good at taking a hint, and quickly moved the conversation on to Mum. They had met a few times through mutual friends and, as far as I knew, got on well, even though Dr Redfield had to keep the relationship professional. But even if they had become friends, I trusted her. I might not have always been eager to attend my appointments, but I knew she would never let me down. Despite what she knew about me.
    ‘Do you visit her often?’ she asked, placing her mug on the desk. I was still holding mine, even though I’d finished the last drop some time ago.
    ‘As much as I can,’ I said, but then reconsidered. ‘Not enough, though.’ The truth was, I hadn’t seen Mum for over two months, and she only lived in Watford, less than an hour away. My visits were usually fortnightly but lately I had been putting them off, with no idea of why.
    ‘I see,’ Dr Redfield said, and for the first time that day I saw judgement flicker across her face. She understood everything I had done, but couldn’t forgive me neglecting my mother. Of course she would never say this, but she didn’t have to.
    ‘I’ll go again soon, though,’ I said quickly. And I was surprised to find that I meant it. I suddenly missed Mum, despite things being strained between us.
    Then it was Dr Redfield’s turn to shock me. ‘Have you ever spoken to your mother about what happened?’
    I was not prepared for this question. She didn’t usually broach this topic so abruptly, normally coaxing me into bringing it up myself. This was all wrong. I shifted in my chair to give myself time to get my thoughts in order. ‘No. But then I think she finds it difficult to talk about. And I don’t want to push her.’
    ‘But she does love you, Leah. So maybe you should give her the chance to talk about everything.’
    ‘How do I even begin to talk about ruining her life?’ This was no exaggeration, not me being difficult or petulant. I had brought chaos and disorder to a world Mum always kept neat and tidy, as if she was the housekeeper of more than just our home.
    Dr Redfield tried to assure me this wasn’t the case, but not even she could convince me I was wrong. I glanced at my watch. We had ten minutes left. Ten minutes in which she’d want me to talk about something it hurt me to revisit. ‘Is it possible to live with guilt?’ I asked her, finally putting my mug down and clutching the strap of my bag instead. ‘Even if every day it threatens to suffocate me?’
    Her eyes widened. Me bringing this up would be a strong signal we were making progress. ‘I think it’s an unhealthy emotion to cling to. But inevitable given your circumstances.’ My circumstances. Is that what she’d labelled this? Is that how I was supposed to think of it? ‘Don’t be hard on yourself, Leah. Make a life for yourself and live it. A full life. That’s all you can do. You can’t erase the past but you can make sure your future isn’t dictated by it. Punishing yourself won’t change anything. And you’ve done that long enough.’
    I wanted to tell her that I was happy with how I lived. My actions didn’t affect or hurt anyone around me, and I was free in a way she could never understand. But I was beginning to doubt this myself. I nodded, assuring her I would start by visiting Mum. It was a small offering, but seemed to appease her.
    When our time was up, I shook Dr Redfield’s hand, promising to keep my appointment next month. I wanted to. I didn’t want to let her down, but something told me it would be a while before I was back there.
    Once I was outside, I stood for a moment on the pavement, breathing deeply, trying to shake off the session. I always did this, it was just another ritual I couldn’t explain but needed to do before I could head home. But this time, walking