The Girl Behind the Door Read Online Free PDF

should have come prepared with questions. What did they know about her mother? Who was the mystery father? How did Joanna spend her day? Was she always this quiet? But my mind froze. I couldn’t risk upsetting the mood when things seemed to be going so well. Maybe I was being overly paranoid.
    The staffers called her Asia or Joasia—Polish pet names for Joanna. For the first time, Joanna’s face lit up with a faint smile when Karina cooed out “Asia” to her as if she were a puppy. Renata patted me on the arm and motioned me closer to Joanna. This whole time, I hadn’t even touched her.
    â€œHere, honey, you hold her.” Erika handed her to me. “C’mon, she won’t break.”
    I’d had almost no experience holding babies, except for my nephew, whom I’d held gingerly for a moment before handing him back to his mother, relieved that I hadn’t dropped him or made him cry. Grabbing Joanna awkwardly from Erika’s arms, I held her head up with one hand while sticking the other one awkwardly under her crotch so she wouldn’t slip out from under my arms.
    She was heavier than I’d imagined. I prayed she wouldn’t start crying, but she remained quiet, still clutching the pink squeaky doll, her head back, gazing at me. No instant, intense feeling of parental love, no epiphanies. We were two strangers meeting for the first time, one deathly afraid of dropping the other. I tentatively pressed my nose into her wispy blond hair and smelled a hint of baby powder and lotion.
    After a couple of minutes that felt like an hour, Erika took Joanna back from me and sat her on the floor to test her motor skills, but she toppled right over. She propped Joanna up on all fours, but the moment she let go, Joanna collapsed onto her belly and cried. Erika picked her up, held her close and kissed her, reassuring her quietly like a natural mother.
    Joanna was very weak, just as we’d heard from the Polish neurologist months earlier. But other than her motor skills she looked better than I’d expected. She couldn’t possibly be disabled. It had to be the lack of stimulation in the orphanage, as the doctor had told us on our conference call. She just needed two devoted, loving parents to take care of her.
    Joanna began to wriggle in Erika’s arms, a sour expression on her face. She needed another diaper change. Erika said something to the white-haired woman, who nodded in response.
    â€œHoney, I’m going to change her diaper. I’ll be right back.” She followed the white-haired woman as Joanna glanced over her shoulder at me. I smiled and waved to her as she disappeared out the door.
    I wouldn’t see her again until tomorrow, when our journey together would begin, and wished I could tell her that this would be her last night alone; we weren’t leaving her behind.
    Just wait till morning and we’ll be back. I promise.
    Standing in the middle of the room, I glanced around at Renata, Danuta, and Karina. They looked at me, smiling, as I tried to take in everything I’d seen, heard, and felt over the last hour. We couldn’t communicate but I sensed by their reassuring looks that these women were trying to tell me that everything would be okay. We were making the right choice. Joanna would be fine.
    I let out a long puff of air, collecting my thoughts. Even if I’d spoken the language, I didn’t think I could’ve put words to what I was feeling. Maybe it’d take a while to sink in. I was hot and my limbs felt like Jell-O as Erika rejoined us. Renata broke the silence, motioning us toward the door. “We need to go back to hotel. Marian is outside with car. We come back tomorrow.”

    At eight o’clock the next morning we were back at the orphanage to pick up Joanna for the long trip back to Warsaw, which we would embark on after spending the night at the local tourist hotel, the Hotel Orbis. Renata sorted out the