The First Last Kiss Read Online Free PDF

being sung loudly by some drunken carousers.
    If Santa’s making a list right now, he’s going to know that I’ve been naughty.
    I stumble down the cobbled streets; I can’t see straight, let alone walk, and all I can think about is the last four Christmases I’ve spent with Ryan. He’s like a child when it comes to this season, an overexcited puppy who laps up every tradition: the mince pies he starts eating on November 1st, the Christmas cake, mulled wine and other seasonal bounties he dutifully makes weeks in advance, the rich, spicy smells coming from our kitchen as I do nothing more than watch EastEnders . Then there are the decorations that, in true Cooper style, are garish rather than glamorous.
    Each year, without fail, I come home to find that he’s secretly decorated our flat. Just the other day I came home to find tinsel draped over our picture frames, a blow-up Father Christmas in the corner of our lounge and fake snow sprayed all over the windows. Even the flamingo lamp, which I have been unable to dispose of since his mum gave it to us when we moved in together, had joined in the act and was wearing a Santa hat at a jaunty angle.
    ‘Ahh, c’mon, Molly,’ Ryan had cajoled, wrapping his arms around me. ‘Christmas isn’t meant to be fashionable, it’s meant to be fun!’ And I relented, as I always do because whilst I’d never believed it possible, he and his family have finally made Christmas enjoyable.
Things I love about Cooper Christmases
     
•  Being at Jackie and Dave’s and being thoroughly spoiled
•  Watching soppy Christmas movies with Ry
•  The open-door (and open-bottle) policy for the entire holiday
•  Lying snuggled in his teenage bed when Ry gets up early to go for his morning run along the beach
•  Christmas Eve shopping and sale shopping on Boxing Day with the Cooper clan (Nanny Door is a sight to behold in Next, her elbows are sharper than Joan Rivers’ tongue)
•  My parents coming for Christmas dinner at Jackie and Dave’s house and being forced to join in the karaoke and party games. (Nanny Door is the only person who could follow Jackie and Dave’s versions of ‘Islands in the Stream’ and their encore ‘Save your Love’ by Renée and Renato with her astonishingly brilliant rendition of Jay-Z’s ‘I got 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one’ – Nanny Door’s version is ‘I got 99 problems and me hips ain’t one’
•  Missing the Queen’s speech
    But now, this year, it’s all going to be ruined. I swipe away the hot tears that are burning a path down my face. I feel like I’ll never be able to look in a mirror again without seeing what I’ve just done to Ryan reflected in my eyes.
    How the hell am I meant to face him now?

The Hollow Kiss
    Can you ever truly promise to be there for someone forever? I did and I couldn’t keep my word and now, years later, the same has happened to me. Is this reneged-on promise down to karma? I think it’s more about learning that in life it begins and ends with you. I mean, yes we all need love and seek support from others, but we need to find it from within first. We’re all stronger than we give ourselves credit for. We can cope with more than we think. Survive the worst and, somehow, still find a way to smile.

PLAY> 12/12/04 5.54 a.m.
    I can’t handle being in the flat any more. I tiptoe around the bedroom, trying not to disturb Ryan. He is still sleeping blissfully, just as he was when I crept in last night. He has rolled onto his side, one strong, muscular arm is stretched over to my side of the bed as if reaching for me in his sleep. His hair is spread over the pillow, overnight his stubble has turned from grainy sand to strands of straw. I want to stand here all day watching him but I can’t. I need to get out before he wakes. I can’t face him, not yet. I need to work out what I’m going to say, what I’m going to do. I know if he wakes now, I’ll want to pretend that everything’s OK,