The Fifth Circle Read Online Free PDF Page B
Author: Tricia Drammeh
whispered , averting my eyes as he struggled with a condom. After several clumsy attempts, he finally got one on. He climbed on top of me.
My heart beat out a rhythm : stop it, stop it, stop it. It was the rhythm of my childhood, a beat only I could hear, because no matter how often I shouted the words inside my head, no one else could hear them. I’d whispered the words, whimpered them, screamed them, but nothing made the rhythmic thrusts stop. There was a time long ago when I used to say “no,” but it didn’t matter, because my words were ignored. “No” meant a rough hand over my mouth to muffle my voice. Maybe I could blame that for my theme song.
Sean would have stopped and that’s why I couldn’t tell him no. He wouldn’t have forced me or hurt me or made me cower in shame, and for that, I loved him. For that, I owed him what I was afraid to give to anyone else, what had been taken from me before I even knew what it was I’d lost.
“I love you,” he whispered.
I couldn’t bear to look at him, so I turned my head when he tried to kiss my mouth. He nuzzled my neck instead. The pain of penetration almost made me cry out, but I didn’t. It was important to maintain silence, to keep my legs relaxed, to remember to breathe. I was relieved when he cried out and collapsed against me.
“I love you,” he whispered against my neck. “I love you so much.”
“I love you too,” I said. I did. I’d always loved Sean. He was my best friend, my accidental lover, my boyfriend by default. I ignored the hollow feeling and vowed to cry later. When he looked at me, I tried to smile.
“That was amazing,” he said. I remained silent. I couldn’t agree —even I couldn’t pull off a lie that big. “Are you okay? Did you like it at all?”
“I’m fine. I liked most of it. It was just…a shock. I ’m not used to…I mean, you were very gentle. Thank you for being gentle.”
“It’ll be better the next time. I’ll make sure you enjoy it,” he promised. I couldn’t imagine ever enjoying something so awkward and humiliating, but I enjoyed the way he held me afterwards. I enjoyed his gratitude, the expression of wonderment on his face, his declarations of love, the way he told me I was beautiful. I liked it when he stroked my hair and promised to take care of me. When he told me how happy he was, it almost made it worth it.
“Thank you, Alex. I love you. I’ll call you later,” he insisted as he left me at my front door.
My parents would be home soon and I wanted to take a shower and cry a little before I had to face them. I shivered under the scalding water as I washed away the evidence of my crimes. My knees trembled and it was an effort to keep myself upright.
Sean was my official boyfriend now. The sex was the clincher. Images of our lovemaking flashed across my mind and I could feel myself blushing at the thought of his naked body on mine. Sean told me my body was perfect even though I knew it wasn’t true. Despite everything—the pain, the embarrassment, the shame—I loved him and I decided I would allow it to happen again. I’d given him my body and that wasn’t something I could take back.
***
Sean called me twice before dinner, begging me to come over. “We won’t do anything. I just want to see you. I miss you,” he said. It felt good to be wanted.
“I have to help my mom. We’re having Thanksgiving at our house this year. She’s freaking out about all the stuff that needs to get done. You know how she is,” I said.
“Well, call me later,” he begged.
My dad volunteered to have everyone over to our house this year. Of course, the burden of actually pulling off the event fell to my mother. He sat on his dead ass in the recliner while she scurried around trying to get everything ready. It was nine when she dragged me out to the grocery store. “I need your help, honey. We’ll have to have two carts. God, why did I volunteer to have dinner at our house?” I
My heart beat out a rhythm : stop it, stop it, stop it. It was the rhythm of my childhood, a beat only I could hear, because no matter how often I shouted the words inside my head, no one else could hear them. I’d whispered the words, whimpered them, screamed them, but nothing made the rhythmic thrusts stop. There was a time long ago when I used to say “no,” but it didn’t matter, because my words were ignored. “No” meant a rough hand over my mouth to muffle my voice. Maybe I could blame that for my theme song.
Sean would have stopped and that’s why I couldn’t tell him no. He wouldn’t have forced me or hurt me or made me cower in shame, and for that, I loved him. For that, I owed him what I was afraid to give to anyone else, what had been taken from me before I even knew what it was I’d lost.
“I love you,” he whispered.
I couldn’t bear to look at him, so I turned my head when he tried to kiss my mouth. He nuzzled my neck instead. The pain of penetration almost made me cry out, but I didn’t. It was important to maintain silence, to keep my legs relaxed, to remember to breathe. I was relieved when he cried out and collapsed against me.
“I love you,” he whispered against my neck. “I love you so much.”
“I love you too,” I said. I did. I’d always loved Sean. He was my best friend, my accidental lover, my boyfriend by default. I ignored the hollow feeling and vowed to cry later. When he looked at me, I tried to smile.
“That was amazing,” he said. I remained silent. I couldn’t agree —even I couldn’t pull off a lie that big. “Are you okay? Did you like it at all?”
“I’m fine. I liked most of it. It was just…a shock. I ’m not used to…I mean, you were very gentle. Thank you for being gentle.”
“It’ll be better the next time. I’ll make sure you enjoy it,” he promised. I couldn’t imagine ever enjoying something so awkward and humiliating, but I enjoyed the way he held me afterwards. I enjoyed his gratitude, the expression of wonderment on his face, his declarations of love, the way he told me I was beautiful. I liked it when he stroked my hair and promised to take care of me. When he told me how happy he was, it almost made it worth it.
“Thank you, Alex. I love you. I’ll call you later,” he insisted as he left me at my front door.
My parents would be home soon and I wanted to take a shower and cry a little before I had to face them. I shivered under the scalding water as I washed away the evidence of my crimes. My knees trembled and it was an effort to keep myself upright.
Sean was my official boyfriend now. The sex was the clincher. Images of our lovemaking flashed across my mind and I could feel myself blushing at the thought of his naked body on mine. Sean told me my body was perfect even though I knew it wasn’t true. Despite everything—the pain, the embarrassment, the shame—I loved him and I decided I would allow it to happen again. I’d given him my body and that wasn’t something I could take back.
***
Sean called me twice before dinner, begging me to come over. “We won’t do anything. I just want to see you. I miss you,” he said. It felt good to be wanted.
“I have to help my mom. We’re having Thanksgiving at our house this year. She’s freaking out about all the stuff that needs to get done. You know how she is,” I said.
“Well, call me later,” he begged.
My dad volunteered to have everyone over to our house this year. Of course, the burden of actually pulling off the event fell to my mother. He sat on his dead ass in the recliner while she scurried around trying to get everything ready. It was nine when she dragged me out to the grocery store. “I need your help, honey. We’ll have to have two carts. God, why did I volunteer to have dinner at our house?” I