The Fan Man Read Online Free PDF

how to continue practicing. Since this is the greatest music ever written, you will have no trouble. Father, we are all thankful to you for this wonderful church you gave us again tonight as a meeting place, see you tomorrow night.”
    “It sounded wonderful,” says Father.
    “Yes, it was terrible, and it will be even worse in time for our concert, unless my fans arrive, which are guaranteed to keep us resonating perfectly.” And now down the little winding steps of the balcony and out of the church into the night.
    And standing on the street, man, is the beautiful Chinese chick, smiling.
    “l listened to the music. It sounded beautiful.”
    “Dig, baby, it will sound even better when we go back to my Fourth Street Academy pad and hear it played back at the wrong speed inside this worn-out tape recorder. Come on, baby, I’ll give you a lesson in sight-reading.”
    Quietly giving her delicate oriental assent to my suggestion, the Chinese chick walks beside me, man, through the picturesque Lower East Side streets, lined with wet thrown-out couches, on which little children are playing, jumping on the springs and sailing through the air.
    “It’s right here, baby, through this door falling off the hinges, and up the steps… .” A beautiful Chinese chick, man, returning with me to my Horse Badorties pad. In a few moments she will be experiencing the wonder of instantaneous sight-reading ability through the special Maestro Badorties thought-transference sex intercourse copulation fucky technique. “Wait a second, baby, wait right here on this landing. I must run down to the store and get a box of teaballs, it’ll only take two minutes.” Going down the steps, taking two at a time, as teaballs are a must, man, to simulate the oriental environment.
    “Good ebening.”
    “Two bottles of piña-colada to go, man . . open the bottles, please, thank you… .”
    “Twenty-fi’ cen’, please.”
    “All you need, man, is a fan to keep your bananas cool. Dig, man, the breeze from this little Japanese–EXCUSE ME, MAN, I have just remember an important engagement on the stairs … so long, man!” Go back up the steps quickly, man, overcoming the tendency to forget the main object at hand, which in this case is a Chinese chick on whom I must get my hands. There she is, man, still smiling, waiting for her music lesson.
    “OK, baby, I’ve got the all-important piña-colada, and there are just two more flights to go to the top of the building.”
    And up we go to the fourth floor, man, to where my wonderful Horse Badorties pad is located. How very odd, man. Someone seems to have clamped a huge padlock on the door to my pad.
    “This is the work of the landlord, baby. He’s trying to keep burglars out. See, here in the lock is a note explaining everything. It is in the form of an eviction notice, to make burglars think all the contents of the pad have been moved out.”
    By merely taking out of my Horse Badorties survival satchel a handy ball-peen hammer, with one powerful blow of the tool, man, I have smashed the lock open.
    “All right, baby, everything is in order now, step right through. As you can clearly see, the valuable precious contents of the pad have not been stolen.”
    The pad, man. Incredible mountains of objects of moldy fig newtons and tuna fish cans confronting us, man, blurring the vision, fucking the mind up. How wonderful, man, to be home again. Man, I left the water running in the sink.
    “Look at that water running all over the place, baby, flooding the pad, there must be a foot of water over everything, and dig, baby, this water is now COLD ENOUGH TO DRINK! If you were me, would you drink this filthy poisoned recirculated shit-water?”
    “Is this where you live?”
    “This is my study. You’ll notice I am studying action painting, throwing modern art objects here and there, tin cans, paper bags. Don’t step on anything if you can help it, it is all arranged according to number.”
    “Jesus, you