The Doll Read Online Free PDF

madman, but the laugh is on my side.
    There are women – but you have not kissed Rebecca, you cannot know.
    You are a fool asleep. You have never begun to imagine . . .
    ( Note . Much of this seems completely unintelligible, and the quarter page that follows consists of nothing but broken sentences and half formed ideas. Then the narrative continues.)
    It was shattering. She let me kiss her again and again. I took her face in my hands and looked down into her eyes.
    ‘Who were your lovers?’ I said. ‘How often did you kiss them like that? Who taught you to kiss them like that? Who was the first, the very first? Tell me.’
    A haze of fury was before my eyes, my hands shook.
    ‘I swear to you that you are the first man I have ever kissed. I swear to you there has been no man before you. Never. Never.’
    She looked straight at me. Her voice was firm. I saw that she was speaking the truth.
    ‘Now you must go,’ she said, ‘tomorrow you shall come, and then we shall have so much to tell each other, so much.’
    She smiled at me. I saw right through her wall of restraint, right through ice to the flame, the hidden fire.
    I remember leaving the flat, and having dinner somewhere. My head was on fire. I seemed to walk among the gods. It was incredible that Rebecca should love me, it was incredible that I should know such happiness. I wanted to shout. I wanted to chuck myself off a roof.
    I went home, and paced up and down the room. I couldn’t sleep, every nerve in my body seemed alive.
    Then suddenly, at midnight, I could stand it no longer. I had to go to Rebecca, I had to.
    I felt my love for her was so strong that she would know. She would wait for me. She would understand. She would have to understand.
    I don’t know how I got to her flat. Seconds seemed to flash by, and I was standing outside in the street, gazing up at the windows.
    I persuaded the night porter to let me in, he was half asleep and he let me pass upstairs. I listened outside her door – not a sound came from within. It might have been the entrance to a tomb.
    I put my hand on the door knob, and turned it slowly. To my surprise it was not locked – Rebecca must have forgotten to turn the key after I left.
    I stepped inside, everything was in darkness. ‘Rebecca,’ I called softly, ‘Rebecca.’ No answer.
    The door of her bedroom was open, there was no one inside.
    Then I went into the kitchen and the bathroom, both were empty.
    Then I knew. Something gripped my heart, cold, clammy fear.
    I looked towards that other room – his room – Julio’s room.
    I knew that Rebecca was in there, with the doll – with Julio.
    I felt my way across the room and beat against the door. It was locked. I kicked against the panel, and tore at it with my nails. It gave way beneath my weight. I heard a cry of fury from Rebecca, and she turned on the lamp.
    Oh! Christ, I shall never forget her eyes, the terrible light – the unholy rapture in her eyes, and her ashen – ashen face.
    I saw everything – the room, the divan – I knew everything. I was seized with deadly sickness – a terrible despair.
    And all the time his vile filthy face was looking at me. His eyes never left me, staring with a lifeless, glassy immobility. The wet crimson mouth was sneering – the sleek dark hair hung in streaks across his cheek. He was a machine – something worked by screws – he was not alive, not human – but terrible, ghastly.
    And Rebecca turned to me. Her voice was cold – apart – unearthly.
    ‘And you expect me to love you. Don’t you see that I can’t – I can’t? How can I care for you, or any man? Go away, leave me. I loathe you. I loathe you all. I don’t need you. I don’t want you.’
    Something cracked inside my heart. I turned away. I left them. I left them alone. I ran into the street – tears were pouring down my face – I sobbed aloud – I shook my fist at the stars . . .
    And that is all, there is no more to say, no more to tell. I went the