The Devil's Monologue Read Online Free PDF Page B

of
this. Who knew succumbing to your innermost dark desires would
create a barrage of self hatred panic attacks? Jesus, I still can't
believe I actually did it. What I'm having a harder time dealing
with is that I really want to do it again. And again.
Genna won't even look at me anymore. When
she sees me walk down the hall, she practically runs in the other
direction. I guess I shouldn't be mad, but it pisses me off
something fierce that she won't even acknowledge me.
    Look at me, Bitch, is all I want to scream when I see her feathery
brown hair wafting through the crowd.
    I just want some kind of
acknowledgment, to know we are still on the same page. That night,
when it was done, my first thought was that she would tell and I'd
be in trouble. That was my first thought. That was what I cared about more. Not her. The fear
that she may talk still swims in the pit of my stomach every time
our eyes lock for even the slightest second, and I see the quiver
of fear drape across her face. That little bitch could ruin
everything for me if she wanted to.
    What is wrong with
me? I keep wondering.
I was almost becoming afraid of the answer.
I feared what the Old Man would do to me if he ever found out what
I did. I was sure he'd beat the hell out of me for one, and two,
he'd make sure no one else ever knew about it.
Through all of our down and outs we had,
that was always one thing I could count on. The Old Man had my
back, and he always took care of business. I hated to say it, but I
knew after high school, I would never live up to his standards,
even as shitty as they were.
“Fuck it,” I whispered under my breath. I
was doing this. Tonight even. My mom had enough pills to kill a
herd of elephants if the gun failed to perform.
“Always have a back-up plan”. Thanks,
Coach.
    I could feel my face
scrunch into a scowl as I watched my “friends” laughing. Laugh it up, Bitches. After tomorrow, at least
you'll have something to laugh about.
“Why the long face?” a soft voice suddenly
broke through my anger, startling me. I turned quickly, my
lumbering arm knocking a stack of textbooks to the ground with
several hard thuds.
Joanna Fairley scrambled to pick up her
scattered books and papers as I stood, frozen at my own stupidity.
I wasn't used to being so clumsy. It took several long seconds
before my brain even registered to help her.
“I'm sorry, Jo,” I confessed as I handed
her the one heavy chemistry book I managed to recover. I forced a
smile through my embarrassment. My heart beginning to thump thump
once again in my chest. It always did around her anyway, but the
previous panic attack made it difficult to breathe even more
so.
She stopped short as I handed her the book.
Her amber colored eyes stared at me with such disbelief that I
became self conscious for one of the few times in my life. I could
tell she was thinking heavily about our encounter, but whether it
was good or bad was hard to tell. You never know what some chicks
are thinking. She opened her mouth to speak, but waited several
moments before uttering any sounds. The awkwardness of the
situation was not something I was used to. It made me want to
hide.
“Did you just say what I think you said?”
she asked slowly, unsure of the question herself.
    I was slightly taken
aback. What did I say? Was it something
stupid? I don't remember saying anything other than....
Then it hit me. I hadn't exactly realized
that I don't say sorry enough for people to not think it uncommon.
All of my usual charms seemed to evade me as I was at a loss for
words.
I had really lost my shit over this Genna
thing, and of all the girls to talk to, having it be Jo was almost
overbearing. I just nodded quietly instead, almost afraid to look
Joanna in the eye. She suddenly seemed too good for me. All the
years of daydreaming my life with her after high school became
ignorant and childish. I had never felt so small and insignificant
as I did just now.
Joanna peered from side to side, as